Splashing In Puddles of Sand

deep blue nothing

I dont really know why I am adding this in...it's an email I wrote earlier...I guess I am depressed and want to convey that in my blog...I might delete it tomorrow when I realize how schizo I am!

I dont care how much distance other people put up with, 2 hours is too much for me. i miss brian right now. see andy, u always bug me and say 2 hours isnt that much. right now i wish i could just hop in my car and go to his house and surprise him and wake him up....i cant. 2 hours is too far to do that at 1 am. by 3 am i will totally regret the decision and just want to hop into bed and spoon with him! haha. i need to freak out. i have had such a fun night over at my old house and i only got home now, at 1 am, i have an interview at 9 which means i have to be up at like 6 because it will take me forever to WAKE UP! and i am so not ready for it...i dont know a single thing about things I should know by now. uh-oh. and i guess that makes me miss bri. i like how he just calms me down and tells me it'll be alright (he's ALMOST as laid back as I am...together it is scarey how laid back we are :) our house could burn down and our kids could all die and we would probly be like 'hey, it could have been worse...at least we're both still here.' haha) so even though i dont feel nervous i just feel highly-strung. i want to call him and talk to him and just let his voice chill me out...but at the same time I am the one trying to be more relaxed about our relationship and i dont want to turn to him all the time like i might have before, because I dont want to make things harder....or well, easier, for us to go back to the way we used to. I am so confused....i dont want to settle down, i know i REALLY dont...and even when i have found someone i COULD settle down with, i dont want to, and i'm torn between wanting to keep him and wanting to keep my priorities and my own life and my independence. and sooner or later one will have to give way for the other. i am scared. i want to cry. but rhona doesnt cry anymore. not because she has grown up, not because she tries not to, but because nothing-and i mean nothing-seems to penetrate deep enough to hurt. and that scares me . how can i be so cynical and so unmoved at 21. i dont know why...nothing moves me anymore. i feel like i have a lot to do and i should have done it....but instead i am emailing. i guess right now i feel lonely......................................................

posted by Oreo @ 1:08 AM