Wanted: Babysitter
I DID IT! I booked my flights!!!!!!! Ok, well I put a deposit down, I have to pay in full my December 31st! But that is it, I made the decision!!! And now: do I feel good? Excited? Exhilirated? *Unbelievably* happy?NO! I'm scared shitless. Since Saturday I meant to book them, but every day I would be on my way to the travel agent and I would literally chicken out and make excuses...like I had to do christmas shopping, or I would go home and call to book it instead of going, or I would walk in (yes, actually WALK IN)to the travel agents and decide there were too many people and I would come back the next day (there were only 3 people ahead of me...). I'm such a baby. Yesterday I put my foot down (with myself...I swear I'm like a grown up and a child all in one, I actually disciple myself! haha) and I went in and did it and put the deposit down....walking home I got scared and decided maybe I should just let them keep the non-refundable deposit. It didnt help that on my way there I met 2 friends and when I told them I was going the first thing they said was 'What about your job???' WHAT ABOUT IT!!!! I'll worry about a permanent job when I am old and boring :) hehe. I picked up a book on NZ yesterday and I didnt want to even look at it...I am afraid! haha!
It's like for so long its been an idea in my head, and an idea I was serious about...but I guess the minute I had to properly commit to it I freaked out (keep in mind my blog title involved the word 'commitment-phobe' until a day ago...and nothing has changed since then!). I am freaking out just thinking about it. I know I am crazy. And I want to go but...I dont I dont I dont...but I do. I think I have split personalities--the Rhona with balls and the one without (thankfully they share physical traits....no balls!)
I want to hear that everything will be ok but I know I am the one that has to tell myself that...what other people say wont help.
I want to be selfish and depend on someone. Anyone? Andy! Drop out of college a semester before graduating! WHY NOT! Brian could do the same. Mi--leave Korea and come travel with me! Kate-forget about your trip and come with me on mine. JW, wanna go back to Oz? Someone!!! Anyone? I need someone to come babysit me on my trip!!!! Why do all my friends have to be finishing up college or starting work or doing anything but what I need???!??!?!?!?!?! I NEED SOMEONE.
I really really really hate to admit it but I am scared. And what's worst is nothing anyone can say can make me not feel scared. I guess everything I am facing is what I fear most in life. Like being alone. Not 'I dont have a boyfriend and I have to spend saturday night alone' but being completely completely 100% alone. No boyfriend. No friends. No family. No one. Having no one with me. It's bad enough feeling alone in a city you call home...what about in some place a million miles away where I dont even know where to go to sit and feel sorry for myself by indulging in my favorite coffee and carrot cake. Somewhere too far away to run home.
I've always thought of myself as being brave and adventorous and I usually do have that kind of 'bring it on' attitude...but maybe its only when I am faced with something truly in need of bravery, something truly adventurous, that I realize I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I've always had a conflicting sense of craving adventure vs loving familiarity...maybe I need one to feel safe enjoying the other. Maybe I can only be brave when I have the comfort of someone familiar with me. Maybe I only crave something new when I am enshrouded with familiarity.
Forget about 'splashing in puddles of sand'...I think I'm drowning in puddles of sand...quickly. And I think it took writing this to actually admit to myself what I am scared of, and why I am scared of it. It's not necessarily that I am afraid of not having anyone to depend on...I am afraid of having to depend on myself (I see a difference between the two). ...
Like I said already, it's something I have to come to grips with in myself...so don't worry about leaving comments telling me I will be fine :) I wont believe you until I believe myself...
Interestingly enough (not really actually), one of the only things that can equal my phobia of commitment is my stubborness....so I'm going to go...whether I want to or not...even if it is just to prove to myself that I can survive on my own. Whether I can or not, I still haven't determined.....(but things aren't looking up...)
posted by Oreo @ 8:10 PM
5 Comments:
Well done, my friend. Welcome to the world of fear and nervous.
Welcome to freedom.
I'm proud of you.
Either you're going to...
A) Crash and burn horribly
B) Thrive and realize that being on your own was the best thing for you.
I did my own little trek last year. I "dropped out" of school in the middle of the semester, without telling my parents, hopped on a bus, and rode 65 hours across the country.
Best thing I've ever done.
I'm back in school, I've raised my GPA over a full point - up to 3.7 or 3.8 - I need one more mark back.
But I loved it. I've always been 'independent' (a loner?) and I loved being on my own having to figure things out. Plus I went to Montreal - with barely any french knowledge at all. I could introduce myself, but that was all.
So yeah, in conclusion, regardless of what happens you'll come out on top. Either you'll realize that you can survive on your own, and you'll love that. Or you'll realize that you do need other people in your life to help prop you up once in a while - and that will mean that in any future endeavours you'll know which way to go - and thus won't be as scared.
It's better to take a trip into the unknown and learn, than to stay ignorant in the known.
Well in my opinion anyways.
< S >
oh, congrats.
i'm proud of you too.
hmm i wish i could just leave everything and go to NZ/OZ w/u.. but at the moment, i find myself ca$hle$$ AND even MORE scared than you.
I'd drop what I could do in a heartbeat if I could and travel with you!!! ;)
You know oftentimes, I found that it was much easier to be alone in a far off place than being alone in very familiar places. But I have this sort of romantic (classical not love) notion of traveling and seeing new places and such.
I'm excited for you. I can't wait to hear the stories.
It can be a lonely old world out there. I use to travel some of it and stay in Hotels for prolonged periods. You wouldn`t believe just how lonely hotels can be. Knowing you as they do, how do you think that your parents and friends are feeling about your trip
Don`t let others influence your descisions ( as stubbon as you think you are!) with comment of how it was the best thing they did, their situations, most probably, are very different to yours. Sure travel alone for a short while, but take a trip locally first to see if you can get along with yourself.
I do know a little about what I am saying as I sailed extensively on my own for several years and yes I got very lonely ( its only another emotion) and again, yes! I enjoyed the company of others when I got it. You have to be a particular type of person to "do it on your own", otherwise you may be attracted to the wrong sort of experiences to compensate? Take a long hard look at what you really would like to do! it seems to me you would like to have somebody accompany you? so how about checking out others who are taking the same/similar trip-ish and meeting up with them at some point? I guess that there is some medium where you can check them out (its a suggetion only) have a great time "Be brave, but never foolish" (Ardie 1978)
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