Splashing In Puddles of Sand

Getting to the bottom of things

I've been posting about Brian a lot lately. There're 2 explanations to this:

1)It's our time of year...it's when we met, when we became friends, when we fell in love, when everything was perfect :) So the season is reminding me of everything that happened last year...

2) I find Christmas to be a lonely time of year. It's all about family and dear ones and I guess I feel like I am between families. This will be the 3rd Christmas I haven't been at home with my family so all those family Christmases feel like something of the past, of my childhood, and I still dont have (or plan on having any time soon!) a family of my own to start new family Christmases with. (Is christmases a word?!? I like it!) So it leaves me wishing a) to be able to go back to having my childhood Christmases or b) having new Christmases with my new family...the second option is obviously more viable unless anyone has a good time-travel tip to share with me. :)

But the whole not-being-together but still being best-of-friends sometimes makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I feel like I am using him. I'm the one that can't be in a relationship with him but at the same time I still go running to him any time I have a problem or a mental or emotional break down (which are frequent in case no one has noticed :) ). He's my crutch, the first person I turn to for EVERYTHING. And I know he doesn't have a problem with it because I dont have a problem doing the same for him...but today it left me with a pang of guilt. Today I felt like if I cant be in a position to give him everything he needs then I shouldn't suck everything I need out of him (poor choice of words...only for us dirty-minded!)

I was shopping today and feeling sick and stressed out and really grinch-y :) While i was in a crowded shop I realized it was a good thing I was on my own because no one else would have been able to stand me. No one else except, of course, Brian. He's got this way with me that when I want to sulk and be mad and be frustrated, he just knows what to do. Anyone else would ignore me or get mad or just leave me alone. He'd put his arm around me and ask me what was wrong and I'd mumblenothing and he'd proceed to annoy me until I finally gave in and told him what was wrong with me, or what he had done wrong, or what was wrong with the world...and he'd stand there and listen to me bitch and complain and whine until I felt better :) He always knew how to make my sun shine. He still knows. So when all I want to do is bitch and whine and complain and I know he can make me feel better, I turn to him. But today I decided I wouldn't turn to him...so I'm writing an incredibly long post instead.

Coldplay's Warning Sign freakishly started playing...I guess I'm just scared of hurting him any more than I already have. He's never been anything short of incredible to me and I dont want to be the girl that fucked him up.

And my phone's ringing....and it's Brian :) Maybe today he'll need to lean on me...

posted by Oreo @ 8:37 PM