Splashing In Puddles of Sand

Life sets in...

Today I knew what I was going to blog about...but I started reading my usual blogs first and came across Kate's post, which is closely related to what I was going to write about.

I sat in a hospital waiting room today, on my own, hands shaking. I looked around and saw 6 or 7 other people, different ages, different races, waiting along with me. I realized it was the first time I've ever been in a hospital on my own. And the first time I've ever been in one for myself. I'm used to going in and visiting grandparents, bringing them cards, flowers, newspapers, sitting with them for a while, keeping them company, telling them you hope they get better...it's funny how words can be so empowering at some times, so useless at others. So even though I was an out-patient, I sat imagining myself in a hospital bed. Imagining who would come and visit me, and what they would bring, and what they would say.

I stared at a painting in front of me, a child-like drawing of the sun and flowers and a honey bee, and realized that an hour from then my whole life could be different. In theory, our whole life could change in ANY second of the day, but hospitals and illness and death seems to remind you of that so much more. I thought about how stressed I was driving in to the hospital, all the traffic, trying to find a parking space...and how in less than an hour that could be the least of my worries. I thought of all the plans I have made: meeting a friend for lunch, meeting up with one of my old college lecturers to get references, work in the morning, my trip in three weeks, studying Journalism in September........would any of that still happen?

Generally in my life I feel brave. I feel like I can take on most things. I can tackle any exam question, I can throw myself off a bridge (bungee cord attached, of course) I can fly a million miles away and be alright (not sure where a million miles away would leave me though...). I dont really fear many things. But death, death I fear. Death and anything that brings me closer to it. So even though I usually let things like a doctor's appointment not really bother me, today I struggled to push it to the back of my head, to not think about it, to not be afraid.

It's very humbling to be reminded that you aren't in control of your life. I dont know who is, but at the end of the day, we dont keep ourselves on Earth. We dont keep ourselves healthy and safe and happy. And all of a sudden all of your stresses, problems, issues, responsibilities dissolve away, becuase you realize that in the grand scheme of things, nothing really matters.

Then all of a sudden my thoughts are put on pause. I get called into the doctor's office...time goes by...everyone in the waiting room is still waiting, people in the hospital are being born, getting sick, getting better, dying...people in work are working away as usual, people are having lunch, taking breaks, going away to exotic locations and coming back from them...no one thinks about those 'reality checks' that remind you of the importance of life. No one thinks about them unless they are having one.

Then I come out of the doctor's office. Things are ok. So I walk out of the hospital, feeling only confused and bewildered. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, not just for myself, but for the billions of people going through the cycle of life that we just dont think about when things are going well for us. So things are alright...for now...but I wonder if it'll take another 10 months before I have another realization that I take everything for granted. I wonder when I'll feel that same sorrow, and that same joy, for people that I dont even know, situations that I dont even know about.

I wonder if tomorrow I'll go back to my regular life and forget everything that happened today. Maybe I'll wake up in the morning and feel like it was all a dream...and life will go on as normal...for at least another 10 months.

posted by Oreo @ 3:34 PM