Splashing In Puddles of Sand

Stress

The Boy has been stressing me out lately. We chat a lot. Sometimes I get online at tims I know he will be there. Other times I try to skip around those times to avoid him. It's like some massochistic yearning within me. I want to talk to him, but afterwards I usually end up angry from our conversations. Because I cant get what I want out of them. I dont know what I want. Sometimes I just want to hear that he misses me. But he's the kind of person that wouldn't give me that, even if he did miss me. For some reason I feel like I need some sort of positive re-inforcement from him. But there's no chance of getting that.

We talk about trivial things. And I mean really trivial. We talk about premier league and betting on dogs. Things that are important to him I guess, he likes that I am involved in them, that we can talk about that sort of stuff, but now they seem so un-important when I just want him to properly talk to me. I get angry when I talk to him, frustrated. I feel like I am not getting what I want from him, and that's more to do with me than him. I want to not talk to him for a while. I cant be fully over him, fully at peace with the whole ending if I cant stand talking to him. I wish I could be more mature about it but I am sick of putting on a brave face and pretending everything is ok. But I dont want him to have that over me, to know how annoyed I am feeling about the whole thing.

I just need to meet someone new and move on. The last 3 guys I have been with have all hurt me, one way or another. Unintentionally usually, its always me or them moving. But I still end up hurt. And I am getting more hurt with each one of them. It's fucked. I should be getting stronger, not weaker. This trend needs to be reversed...

posted by Oreo @ 8:37 AM