Splashing In Puddles of Sand

Self Preservation

I dont know what I'm about to blog about, but I'm back...so I decided I had to blog about something...

I was watching ELF the other day and when Buddy was getting tucked into bed it made me think about how when you're a kid you would hop into bed and you lie there and you wait for your parents to come in and tuck you into bed...there is nothing more comforting than having them do that every night. But in saying that, I didn't actually like being tucked in. I loved the whole comfort of it, but the second I was tucked in nice and tight and my parents left my room I would jump up and undo all the 'tucking in' they had just done. I guess it was just the comfort and security I was seeking.

And in some ways, I haven't changed. I always wish I had a source of constant comfort and security, and aside from my family, I dont, but for some reason I feel like I should. And maybe the reason why I just can't do serious relationships is because I'm afraid of being dependent on someone and then having the whole thing fall apart. I don't like the idea of depending on someone else unless I'm sure beyond doubt that I can depend on them. If I am fine on my own I dont want to give that up, only to be left a few months later not being able to get my own sense of security and self-reliance back. In a way I think I've had so many close friendships over the years that have fallen apart and that's scared me...but I guess that'll happen when you're teenagers and your ties, as deep as they may be, are still fickle.

I think that's part of the reason that I've held on to Bri for so long as well. It was the first time, possibly ever, that I let my heart lead me. I struggled against our relationships for months and he eventually convinced me that I just had to let go of all my fears and doubts and just let it happen. I spent so much time thinking it through and telling myself that it wouldn't work and convincing myself that living 2 hours away would be too hard, we'd miss one another, we'd get jealous, we'd get paranoid....and eventually I just gave in and stopped making excuses and I let myself be vulnerable. And maybe the whole friendship thing is actually working out because I want to believe in myself. I need to assure myself that when I finally did make myself vulnerable, I chose someone who could be depended on.

It's all about self-preservation I guess. I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can make yourself believe anything. You can make yourself happy, sad, hell you can convince yourself you're in love with someone who doesn't even exist! The mind is an *amazing* thing and is capable of more than we realize. And my brain, mine's working hard at self-preservation. I manage to hide most of my emotions from the majority of people I know. This blog is the only place where I'm emotionally honest. Everywhere else I hide and I bury emotions and I pretend and act and I put on a strong face. A brave face. I dont know why. And sometimes it kills me that I cant just say what I feel to people but, that would involve being vulnerable, and that can't happen too easily with me.....

And I guess that's all I have to say. I'd love to have a great conclusion, an interesting point, but today there's nothing. Maybe the whole point is self preservation doesn't get you as far as I thought it could. Maybe, hiding yourself from everyone leaves you at nothing, it leaves you alone, searching for a point, for a reason, for an explanation...maybe all my rambling is exactly what it is...just rambling........

posted by Oreo @ 8:41 PM