Splashing In Puddles of Sand: October 2006

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I am feeling a bit sad right now. It just hit me. I dont know why, I dont know what it is, I just want to wallow in some misery for a while. Friends are great. Work is going really well, I love Sydney. There's no reason why I should feel down but I just do. I hate it. I will be better after a little while on my own I think...

Saturday, October 07, 2006

One of my friends at work is cutting himself. He had cuts on his arm last week but had a broken window in his room and said that's how he got cut. I didnt really believe him but couldn't say too much. Then today I found more cuts and got talking to him about it. His mum's dying and that's why he's doing it. I told him how bad it is and how it's not gonna make his problem go away and stuff. I dont really know what else to say. How do you stop someone from harming themselves? I dont think you can. It's up to them. But I have no idea what to do, what to try, what to say. It's really bothering me because I'm worried about him...

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Sing me your favorite song...

My sister is buying a house. She is getting old! 25. So we will move from our perfectly-located flat near the city centre to a place 40 mins from the city. It will be strange to go back to Ireland and have a room full of my stuff. A room I have never seen. A new home I have never looked at will already have my stuff in it. And Charlotte Quay will only be a memory. I love that place.

I dont know when I will be back, and why I will go back. I dont want to think about it. It's just funny thinking about how much is going on without me. Why cant the world stop when I want it to? Why cant it revolve around me???

While I'm making crazy demands, I have always thought about this one thing. A guy coming up to me and saying something like 'One day I'll write a song about you' or something random like that. then say he is one of the guys from snow patrol (my fave band) or just someone famous and they release this song that is about you. aww. even if it is never realeased. some random guy with a pen writes a song about you. how good would that be :) Actually i think it would be even better if it is some random guy, not a famous dude. awww i wonder if anyone is writing songs about me tonight....
:)

Monday, October 02, 2006

Things I'm missing

Today I was in a shop and I saw the new Killers album. *WHAT!* The Killers have a new album? Where was I when this happened? I'm a huge fan! I didn't know. Same with Snow Patrol a few months ago. So I walked around the store looking at all the new cds and movies baffled by how much I have missed out on.

Now I know it's not important stuff, music and that, but it got me thinking of how life goes on. It always does, no matter what happens. So I leave the country. So what? Everyone gets used to it. People still live, things change, and I dont know about it all. And some of it I never will know. But friends find new best friends, house mates find new people to live with, boyfriends find new girlfriends, it's inevitable. I forget to think about that a lot, people back at home. Think about how things are changing for them. Things at home always change a lot less than things on the road, but they stil change.

It will be strange going home, whenever that will be. I dont know what I have to go home for. Nothing really. Maybe that will change too. Maybe I wont go back to Ireland. Who knows. But it wont be the same. And I dont want it to be. I wont be the same, and again, I dont want to be.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Living

So I had this perfect flat ready to move in to next week, living with 2 girls from work. Right across the street from the beach. Bondi beach. The landlord calls me up yesterday to say he wants to meet me to get my deposit the next day. Two hours later he calls to say actually he is going to let some german couple move in because they want to stay for 6 months. Even though he'd just told me I could move in! I am so pissed off because I havent looked for anywhere for 2 weeks because he said I could move in. So my friends are mad at him because we all wanted to live together. I am mad because I am sick of being in a hostel. I just want my own space! So now I have to start looking for somewhere. While I work 6 days a week. UGH!

I know it's one of those things where you have to accept it and say 'oh well, it wasn't supposed to be' and I have to believe I'll get somewhere great, but it's frustrating as well. I just want to be fully settled in Sydney, and I thought I would be by next week, but now I have to start apartment hunting. Oh well...just needed to rant a little about that. Maybe I'll go find some drugs. No wait, cant do that till I have my own room. Sucks to be me. haha.

On another note...

Regarding my whole enlightenment subject. I have never been in to drugs. Never taken any other than smoking weed, which I dont even do that often. I just dont see the benefit in drugs. But lately I have been seriously considering taking the kinds of drugs that open your mind up. The kind that writers take, that artists take. Because in a way it's not for pleasure but for enlightenment, to unleash your mind...but maybe that is what they just say as an excuse. I think I would like to try them though. Sit in a room, take something, and sit there with a pen and paper and just see what comes out. I dont think I'd like to make it a regular thing, but I am becoming more and more intrigued by it. I might get to the point where I will venture in to it. See where it leads me. Maybe that's stupid. Maybe it will be good though. I want to try it, see where it leads me...

Ready Willing and Able

This subject means a lot of different things to me. Some meanings are light-hearted, funny inside jokes from high school. They remind me of the days when it was easy...Everything was so easy.

But like everything does, the phrase has changed meanings. It has evolved and grown and become a million different things at a million different times to me.

Today I realized it is actually quite appropriate to how I am feeling. I have finally grown enough to appreciate what it is saying. It was always a joke to me, nothing serious, but today it dawned on my that it is quite fitting to this stage of my life. I am ready willing and able. For everything. To take on the world. To take on myself. And others. Everything.

At times I have been ready, other times willing, though seldomley able I would say. But never all three at once. Suddenly this silly old saying that has been with me for the past 6 years has lit up like a light bulb over my head. So much is changing and my life is solely in my own hands and I cherish every second of that. I love it. I am alive. I feel fully alive. I am responsible for myself. No one is supporting me, holding my hand, telling me what to do, checking up on me. I only do what I want to. And I am thriving. It is glorious. I don't know how to explain how it is that I feel. Growing up I was always quite independent, my parents were good like that, they let me be. But this is real independence, unlike anything I have ever known.

I have been away for 8 months now, and I am still learning something new every day. Still cherishing every second of it. My life in Sydney could possibly be the best that it has ever been. And its got so much to do with my mind developing, with learning, with becoming more enlightened. It sounds ridiculous to a certain extent, but I do feel like I am becoming enlightened.

Splashing In Puddles of Sand