Splashing In Puddles of Sand

Reasons to hold on? (I cant count any...)

Today I'm just going to rant and complain and say whatever the fuck I want. I'm not going to try to make any stupid points, or reach any conclusions, or take a stand on any morals. I'm not going to talk about my wishes and dreams, or think about saving the world or changing it. I'm going to talk about fuckheads. All the fuckheads in my life.

I used to think introspection was important. Maybe I just liked it because I do it a lot. If I were a poet I'd be Antonio Machado writing Soledades. But I'm not a poet. I'm just a girl who is struggling with everything life is throwing at her. My latest struggle-friends.

I wrote before about wavelengths...well right now it seems like everyone in my life has ganged up against me and they all hopped on the same wavelength...leaving me all on my own. Everyone, and not just one or two friends, EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY LIFE has fucked off. They are all to obsessed with their boyfriends, with their classes, with fucking EVERYTHING that they have forgotten who I am. No matter what country, what city, who they fucking are, every one of my friends is the same.

I cant remember the last time someone asked me how I feel. What I've been doing. How I like my new job. How things with Brian are. How the hell MY fucking life is. And I dont want to sound like I'm just bitching about not getting enough attention....I'm getting nothing. And what is the fucking worst is that I still listen to their shit because I dont want to be guilty of their crimes. I just feel like I'm being used by all my friends. They all talk to me and hang out with me and cry on my shoulder when they need me. But the second they find something or someone else, they forget my name.

Everyone is too consumed with themselves to look at other people. I'm sick of listening to other people's shit when they dont even care how the fuck I am. I know people are busy...but if you're going to make me listen to how much you love/hate your boyfriend or how you cant get used to sleeping in the same bed as him because he snores or how one of your friends is fighting with you or because your cat got swept away in a fucking tornado, if I have to listen to your shit, which I normally dont mind listening to because I am your FRIEND, the least I could get is a 'how are things with you?' I dont even care if it's an ingenuine question and you dont listen to my answer. Fuck it, dont listen! Just ask. Just ask.....that's all I want. To feel like someone cares. Even if they dont...just fool me.

I always thought I had good friendships, some REALLY GOOD friendships. I never would have doubted some of them. Right now, I can count only two that I am sure of. I have Brian and Kat and other than that, I dont know if anyone else actually remembers my fucking name (unless they are having a crisis of course). The second they are sad/needy/broke/upset/angry/lonely/in need of comfort that's when they think to turn to me.

I'm sick of being so fucking nice. I am sick of listening to people who wont listen to me. I am sick of ALL my friendships being one-sided. Why should I be there for people who aren't there for me?

I guess everyone hits that bottom rock...there is a point in everyone's lives when they realize that they are alone. You always here people saying you can only depend on yourself. I always thought that was kind of cynical. I just hadn't been there until now. Now I understand what they mean. During the good times you need to remember everyone around you wont be there the second they decide to move on to other things. Nothing is safe. Nothing is secure. Nothing is true.

The sad thing is, if people do still want me to listen...I probably still will. Whether they care how I am or not. I guess because I am still their friend. Or maybe because I am just stupid. Masochistic. Easily used.

And after all this...if anyone wants to fucking ask me how I am and talk to me....

I DONT WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT.

posted by Oreo @ 1:24 AM