Mixed Emotions
Right now I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to blog about. Where should I start?For those who dont know, I moved in to my brother's and sister's apartment in August to save money and avoid having to pay real *OUTRAGEOUSLY HIGH* rent in Dublin. As a trade-off to saving money, I dont have my own room. Now in college I shared a room, but that was with Kat, one of my best friends. She's the only person I know of that I can properly share a room with. Here I just feel like I have no privacy, no time to myself. But they are both gone up to our cousin's for the weekend and I decided to stay down just to get a bit of peace and quiet! So I am very happy, but it is strange to be alone.
Secondly...I feel lonely. I guess I am having another one of those realizations that I am alone in the world, and I dont like that. I've lived the majority of my life depending solely on myself...sure there's my family, there's friends, but at the end of the day it seems like every one else has other ties and I'm not at the top of any one else's priorities. Despite this though, I still feel like I SHOULD have someone who cares. So I am just doubting a lot of things today.
Also I'm going through the 'Who am I?'/'What am I doing with my life?'/Where am I going/where do I want to go in life?' dilemmas...it's getting really old cuz I have no clue about any of it and I dont know why I have to fucking care so much...those thoughts are always just circulating through my head. It's like I feel like there is somewhere in life that I should be, something I should be doing, I just dont know WHAT it is!!! It's stressful...
I didnt get much sleep last night and usually the after-affects of that leave me tired, grumpy and conteplative. So I rented myself a few movies, I was at the Ireland-Romania rugby match earlier (more on that later), I got home and watched the second half of the Scotland-New Zealand match, and the Wales-Australia one is starting now so it's been a huge rugby day for me :) So I'm gonna lie in front of the tv for the rest of the night and contemplate life a little bit more...
posted by Oreo @ 4:41 PM
2 Comments:
Take comfort in the fact that all of these crazy and mixed emotions are just an effect of change in your life. There are some things in life from which you need to take comfort:
1. Understand that the decision to move back home to save money (like I did in October) is a decision which you consciously made to GET YOU TO WHERE YOU NEED TO GO. Keep reminding yourself of that whenever you feel like the walls are crowding you and the lack of privacy is testing you. You need to seek strength from the fact that you made a decision, acted on it, and now you are on the journey to reap its rewards. You ARE saving money. You ARE going overseas. Changing your life and heading on journeys such as the one you are about to undertake must come with some sacrifices, or otherwise every person would do it, right? Your situation right now is not permanent. Remember that.
2. Take strength from being alone. In July, I took myself completely out of the dating game. I needed to be alone. Not just "alone", but truly ALONE. No dating, no expectations of meeting Mr. Right, no attempts at getting attention. I have learnt to enjoy my own company. I look at the sadness that relationships create, and take comfort from the fact that I am coping on my own, and not having that kind of pain and negativity in my life. I feel fantastic now. I enjoy being on my own. I enjoy spending time on my own. So when it comes time to begin a relationship with someone, I know that I am going to be my own person, and be blessed by the company of someone who is their own person. Remember what I have said before - a relationship is not about two halves. Its about to wholes coming together to compliment each other. Not supplement. Right now, I see that you are looking for someone that will supplement you - ie. you need someone to care for you. How about learning to care about yourself?
3. Going somewhere is fun. Going somewhere that you dont know about is even more fun. Going somewhere and letting life take control is JUST FANTASTIC. Embrace it. Enjoy the gift that spontaneity provides. Remember that is often the stuff that surprises you that you enjoy the most, rather than the stuff that is planned right down to the fine details.
Oreo, begin with the end in mind - when it all comes down to it, you live your life for yourself. And for no one else. If you want to be alone? Be alone and enjoy it. If you want to travel? Heck, go and damn well travel and have the time of your life. There are thousands of people that are admiring you for having the balls to make serious decisions like these in life. Revell in them. Not fear them.
Cheer up, kiddo,
k
i get excited when ppl say they'll make wishes true!! haha
the_dis_appointment@hotmail.com
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