BURN: MATCHBOX TWENTY
I thought about
Leaving - but I couldn't even get outta bed
Hitchin' - but I couldn't get a ride outta town
Now anyone who really wanted me to be down
Come 'round
Thought about
Singin' but I couldn't remember all of the words
Breakin' but I couldn't get the pieces apart
Laughin' never knowing what the joke was about
Now I'm down
And I wonder how I never got the Burn
And if I'm ever gonna learn
How lonely people make a life
One strain at a time
Forgot About
Everything and everyone I needed before
Tryin' to get a handle on a reason to shine
Pickin' up the pieces that are falling behind takes time
So I wonder how I never got the Burn
And if I'm ever gonna learn
How lonely people make a life
One strain at a time and still shineThis song has been the soundtrack to the last few weeks of my life. It says exactly what I am feeling. I just feel so up in the air...so confused. I am surrounded by doubts right now. And not just about the men in my life (or more accurately the man lacking in my life), but about my friends, and about my future, my life as a whole. So this song portrays my feelings...I cant seem to do anything right. I always end up in the middle...breaking but I can't get the pieces apart. My life isn't exactly falling apart, but it's certainly not all together either. I just don't feel like I am on anyone's same wave length. No one understands what is going on with me, and what is worse is no one seems to be trying to understand. Not like anyone could even help...all the uncertainties and confusion is within me...which leaves me on my own...wondering if I'm ever gonna learn how lonely people make a life....
Thinking About Stuff...
I have a lot to think about right now...
I guess now that I am settled into a job I have realized how much I need to think about. If I know I dont want to do my job forever, then how long should I do it for? How will I ever know what I want to do and where I want to take my life. Will I ever stop thinking that I want to live in London or New York or Belfast and just GO already? Will I ever find something that I absolutely love with all my LIFE and know that I was SUPPOSED to be doing that? Will it take years of work before I wake up one day and realize I love what I do, or will I know it from the second I walk into the job?
I guess I have spent so long loving the way I am...loving that I take things on the spur of the moment, and I dont plan, and I dont think, and I LOVE the way things just always work out the way they are supposed to. But now for once I wish I had a PLAN. I wish I knew what I was doing with my life. I wish I knew where I was going. I wish I had some stability.
Maybe there is something to be said about just settling down and getting married and having kids. It grounds you. You know that at the end of every day you will have your husband and your kids and your home and your soccer mom car and you will have to get up the next day to make lunches and get breakfast ready and get the kids to school. I've never really wanted THAT life before...but right now I'm kind of sick of my own philosophy...
TYRONE WIN THE ALL IRELAND!!!!
On Sunday Tyrone beat Kerry to win their second All Ireland. It was an amazing game....and the screaming coming from one room of adults and one room of kids made all 73 minutes ever more intense!
It's nice to feel the feeling of having a family. I guess for so long I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. In Honduras I felt Irish, in Ireland I was well...confused. I still get confused when people ask me where I am from. I say Dublin and they ask where and I explain that I used to live in Glenageary but now I'm living closer to the city centre...and then they ask what school I went to and in comes the 'i'm also from Honduras so I went to high school there' and then every once in a while I get 'I detect a bit of a northern accent' and I go into 'yeah my mum's from the north'....ahhh! it's confusing! And I know it makes my story special and it's a lot cooler than just being from one place...but it's left me with this complex of not being able to fit in anywhere.
But at times like Sunday when I am with my whole family it is nice. It reminds me that sometimes I do belong. I belong to a family, an extended one that I feel comfortable with and can joke around with. It's somewhere where everyone knows my history, they know where I am from and I dont have to get confused explaining who I am. And for at least one hour, I was from tyrone...only from tyrone. Never mind Honduras and Dublin and everything else...I was a Tyrone supporter and that is all that mattered!
Here is what I want my future babies to look like! He's my baby cousin Charlie...he is 15 months now and the most adorable thing you could EVER see!!! I miss him! I wish he lived with me! He is just so cute and when you make him smile you cant help but smiling as well because he is just SOOO adorable and he makes you wnat to steal him and take him home with you!!!!!!! The pictures dont do him justice because the kid is adorable...lets just say I wish I wasn't his cousin and I wasn't 20 years older than him (wow how old do I feel) because he's gonna be hot!
Has Chris Martin been reading my mind?
Warning Sign:
A warning sign
I missed the good part, then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
A warning sign
It came back to haunt me, and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I'm tired, I should not have let you go
Oooooooo
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.
But I can't crawl back into your arms...Chris Martin crawled back...but I cant. And for once in my life it's not my pride, it's not my ego, it's my heart. I'm trying to protect you. And I think that you are starting to understand that makes me love you even more.
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you. I don't know if all this blogging is breaking the rules I made...but fuck it. I like knowing that you KNOW I miss you. Maybe it just makes me feel better knowing you get to see how I feel...maybe it just lets me say
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you without having to come out and say it.
Letter to a Loved One
Here's where
Andy's blog led my train of thought...
Fix You is probably one of my favorite Coldplay songs...and I have ALL of Coldplay's cds! It funny how fate throws you exactly what you need at the exact time. I wonder if I would like this song so much if I had heard it at a 'happy' time in my life. I might still like it, but it would not have all the sentimental value it has with me now. Here's why...
When you get what you want, but not what you needRight now I'm getting exactly what I want...well...what I asked for. But what I NEED is for situations to be changed, for there to be no distance between us, for our lives to be on the same page, heading in the same direction. What I NEED is to feel your arm around me at night, to be able to pull it back around me if it strays when I move to pull the blankets around me. I know the decision I made is right...but that doesn't stop it from hurting.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse? One of my biggest fears is that I will never find love like what we had. I know I'm young, and it really is my first experience with it, but what if this is the real thing...and I'm afraid that it is and that I am throwing it away, and that I will never find it again. I don't want to regret this stupid decision for the rest of my life....but it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all...right? I've lost you...everything we had has gone to wast because of me...could it be worse?
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes I don't want to hurt you anymore. But no matter what happens, I promise I'll learn from it....
Hindsighting....
As Mark Twain said:
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."It's funny how we tend to think we know everything at the time...it's not until later that we see with hindsight that we were the ones that were ignorant, not others....
Assembly line production
When I got back from my summer in San Francisco I realized that I had nowhere to put all my clothes in my brother & sister's apartment. So I decided I would buy some shelves. It never occured to be that I would have to build them...but I like a challenge so I decided I would do it ALL on my own. I wouldn't let my sister touch the screw driver, I refusted to wait for Brian to come down to help me at the weekend. I ignored him when he would call me back every hour and laugh when I told him I had only done half a shelf. I did it ALL on my own! It was fun! I love my shelves!
In the beginning, there was about 70 pieces of wood, and over 120 screws. It took a lot of work...I foolishly thought I would have it done in about an hour.
I was sort of wrong. At first I could only do AT MOST one full shelf because it was hard work! But after a while I got used to it and got the shelves made pretty quickly!
So by now I have all of the shelves put together and now it is just a matter of putting the whole thing together!
TADA! My final product!!!!!!!!!!!
My thoughts on life:
“If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good.”
Dr. Seuss
MAYBE TODAY...
MAYBE TODAY:
We will realize that we are not the most important people in the world. That yes, maybe our feelings hurt, sometimes they hurt so bad that pain becomes not only emotional, but physical. Eyes hurt from crying, lungs hurt from heaving sobs, abs hurt from forcing the tears out. And that's not the worst. We feel sick in our stomach, a pain that can only be imagined, because our head makes us feel worse than any physical pain could. Pain becomes physical and emotional, which is far stronger than a physical pain on its own.
But no matter what we believe...this pain will pass. It will be gone-maybe in a little while, maybe in a long time, but one day, it will have left us.
Meanwhile, while we forget that the world doesn't revolve around us, other people suffer. They starve, they get bullied, they get beaten, they get punished based on their gender, their race, their nationality, their religion.
Maybe today we will forget about ourselves. No that's not good enough...
Today I will forget about MYSELF.
Today I will worry about more important matters...
MAYBE ONE DAY....
Things will all magically make sense:
We will have time for others...
We will give more money to people that NEED it than we do to ourselves...
We will be brave enough to love others....
We will be strong enough to let go of our pride, our fears, our hopes and dreams, and our stupid insecurities and realize that we are strong enough to put everything on the line for one other person...
Maybe one day we will go through the darkest days and the wettest puddles and still smile as if the sun were shining down on our faces...
But for now...for now I am looking for help. I am looking for the sun to shine. I am looking for hope. But all I have is my own pride, my fears, my hidden hopes and over-cast dreams, and those fucking insecurities...and all of that is worth nothing to me. I realize I am my own biggest weakness.
But I am also your weakness. And I cant let myself drag you down with me...
Maybe one day...maybe one day...
Last Days, First Days....Sometimes
Tomorrow is my first day at work. Which means today is my last day of being a student. Of sleeping in. Of being lazy. Of only doing things that I want to do on days that I want to do them. It is the last time where I have an excuse to be irresponsible, alcoholic, lazy, and crazy and just blame it on being a 'student.'
Tomorrow is my first day. Which means it will be the first of many days where I will have to wake up early. I will have to dress up EVERY day. I will have to scout around my new office to find a)the coffee maker b)the bathroom and c)all the hot men. Those are my new three priorities. Actually those tend to usually be my priorities. I would have added food in there but in my new life I dont eat food! hehe. I burn fat instead!
For the first time I will be eagerly awaiting Friday evening the second Monday rolls around. Before I used to wish for Fridays, but for other reasons. It was rarely because I was tired...come on! I was in college, I could just not bother going in, or skip a class or two to catch up on sleep (or sleep off a hangover!) The only thing that made me look forward to Friday's was knowing I was going to get to see my INCREDIBLY sexy boyfriend at the weekend. Sometimes he'd come down to me, sometimes I would go up to see him. Sometimes we would spend the WHOLE weekend lying in bed, moving only to eat or go to the bathroom. Sometimes we would go out, we would go to see movies, go watch rugby matches in the pub. Sometimes I even got to watch my own man playing rugby which I especially loved :)
But sometimes things change. First days will one day become memories, and they will be replaced by new first days. Weekends get filled with other activities that can be depressingly boring. Sometimes even the most eventful weekend feels like nothing compared to lying in bed with someone you love. Sometimes new beginnings are good...but endings...endings are the saddest part for me.
But to end on a bright note...sometimes you get put in a situation where you can never even imagine things being as good as they are. That is what gives me hope at beginings. You really don't know what is ahead of you. I never thought one Saturday night in October would bring me all the butterflies, all the smiles, all the laughter, all the memories that it did. I couldn't even imagine things to be as good as they were...and Rhona has an over-active imagination. So as so many of my friends go back to their usual life, going back to college, going back to rugby practice, going back to the pub on a Sunday night and not making it into class on Monday morning, I am forced to branch out. But I'm going to embrace this. And I'll look back on things that have ended, to remind me that in the begining I never would have believed I could love them as much as I did...
if you're reading this....
We never really understand things until we are out of the situation...retrospection is the key to seeing where you grew, and how things in life always tie together and end up making perfect sense in the end. Love is the best feeling in the world, it makes you smile, it gives you butterflies, it is all-consuming. Then it turns into an all-consuming sadness. It makes you cry. and cry. and cry.
I cant think of anything else. I see your face everywhere. I hear your voice. I feel your touch...
But what I am doing isn't for me. I am sad. I hurt. It hurts knowing I dont have you. But what hurts even more is knowing that I am hurting you.
I've forgotten what it feels like not to want to cry. what my throat feels like without a lump in the back of it.
I know this is all my fault. I know I could stop both of our pain in a second, in one simple phone call. But that will just postpone the hurt to a later day when I want to freak out again and when I decide I should have stuck with my original choice.
You need to realize...or at very least remember what I am saying. I'm trying NOT to hurt you. And sometimes it takes a little hurt now to avoid a lot more in the future. I do love you. And you know I do. Don't hate me.....please...I'm sorry...
Someone out there understands!
I've finally found something that explains to everyone how I am feeling. And along with that I also discovered an amazing blog which is not only interesting, but will help me keep up my Portuguese :) So the following I got from the aforementioned
super cool blog!Just that - said the fox - To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world (...) Please, tame me!
I want to, very much - the Little Prince replied - BUT I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.
How I feel right now...
Frustrated expectations
I'm sick of people. I am sick of the way we look at other people and judge the way they live. We stop and think that THEY dont realize what THEY have, that if WE were in their situation WE would totally appreciate it. Whatever. We do that, all the while someone is envious of what we have. Ultimately though, is happiness ever attainable? Will we ever stop judging? Will we ever stop looking at people and wanting what they have, ignoring what is good in our own lives? Are we ever content? She has more money, he has a nicer car, they have a bigger apartment, she's in love, she's got a job, he's got a family, I've got nothing. We always feel like the victim. I hate that. I HATE that other people look at me and think I should appreciate what I have. I do. Sometimes. But just because the good things are visible doesn't mean the bad things are. You want my life...come have it. Try it out. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I know it's not that bad, it could be a lot worse, and I'm NOT complaining about it. I'm complaining about everyone that thinks I have no right to complain. Let me just finish with what is most obvious:
I have issues
Jet: Look what you've done
It seems like so much fun until you lose what you had won...
Give me back my point of view because I just can't think for you...
I can hardly hear you say 'what should I do?' Well, you choose...
Oh look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone...
Oh well it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won....
All that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove...
deep blue nothing
I dont really know why I am adding this in...it's an email I wrote earlier...I guess I am depressed and want to convey that in my blog...I might delete it tomorrow when I realize how schizo I am!
I dont care how much distance other people put up with, 2 hours is too much for me. i miss brian right now. see andy, u always bug me and say 2 hours isnt that much. right now i wish i could just hop in my car and go to his house and surprise him and wake him up....i cant. 2 hours is too far to do that at 1 am. by 3 am i will totally regret the decision and just want to hop into bed and spoon with him! haha. i need to freak out. i have had such a fun night over at my old house and i only got home now, at 1 am, i have an interview at 9 which means i have to be up at like 6 because it will take me forever to WAKE UP! and i am so not ready for it...i dont know a single thing about things I should know by now. uh-oh. and i guess that makes me miss bri. i like how he just calms me down and tells me it'll be alright (he's ALMOST as laid back as I am...together it is scarey how laid back we are :) our house could burn down and our kids could all die and we would probly be like 'hey, it could have been worse...at least we're both still here.' haha) so even though i dont feel nervous i just feel highly-strung. i want to call him and talk to him and just let his voice chill me out...but at the same time I am the one trying to be more relaxed about our relationship and i dont want to turn to him all the time like i might have before, because I dont want to make things harder....or well, easier, for us to go back to the way we used to. I am so confused....i dont want to settle down, i know i REALLY dont...and even when i have found someone i COULD settle down with, i dont want to, and i'm torn between wanting to keep him and wanting to keep my priorities and my own life and my independence. and sooner or later one will have to give way for the other. i am scared. i want to cry. but rhona doesnt cry anymore. not because she has grown up, not because she tries not to, but because nothing-and i mean nothing-seems to penetrate deep enough to hurt. and that scares me . how can i be so cynical and so unmoved at 21. i dont know why...nothing moves me anymore. i feel like i have a lot to do and i should have done it....but instead i am emailing. i guess right now i feel lonely......................................................
