I feel really strange right now. I have been in a moody way today. I am very hormonally stable so no 'that time of the month' excuses. Just confused.
There is this guy at work. Oh yes it always comes back to guys. We have been drunk together twice and made out twice. I've been working hard to convince friends at work that there will be no office romance though. Taking a pro-active stance I decided to think about what I want last night instead of waiting to see what happens. Last night I decided that I definitely dont want a relationship with him. If it's something casual than maybe, but it will either be just friends or possibly more, but not enough for any sort of real relationship. I just dont want one. But today at work I just felt so strange around him. I dont know if it's just me sorting out my feelings or what. I just tried to avoid him a bit, but by doing that I felt sad. Maybe because I am trying to figure out what he is after as well. I am confused really...
I'm confused by a lot. I just dont know what I want, and what sort of a role I want to take. And what I want everyone to perceive it as. I am tired because I thought about it a lot last night and didnt sleep for a while. There are other guys at work that like me, and I get confused about whether I like them, or just like knowing that they like me. I like attention. And I am a flirt. And it gets me in trouble because I could just want to be friends with a guy and he might think more is going on. But sometimes I get confused about if I just want to be friends or if I want more.
I am just attracted to different things about people. You dont necessarily have to be good looking, or nice, or romantic, or intelligent for me to like you. There are no combination of things that work, I just seem to be able to feel a magnetism towards individual features. I have no type. No guy that I have been interested in is ever like the guy before him, in fact, they are usually very different. So I can feel a pull towards different guys at once because they stimulate different parts of my brain. So that leaves me confused about what I want more. Who I want more.
So right now I just feel like there is this great pressure on me. Why I dont know. Just coming from my own brain. Hmmmm.....
Someone's words...
Why cant the city lights be blacked out,
So the streets can be alight with darkness.
Release your souls to where they want to go,
The stars serve for more than just romance.
Confused by words, walking in circles,
You've missed my train of thought.
Curse the threads of man-made wealth,
All they do is dilute you.
You've lost the essence of your soul,
Now all you can be is human.
It's a sad sad thing to aspire to be,
For colours mean more than breathes do.
Anything for that sweet smelling green and slick black,
It doesn't matter how much red is spilt.
There is no ending yet but these words just had to be posted....
Everyone's Lonely...
Everyone around me at the moment seems lonely. They all seem home sick or lonely or just needy in some way. Its strange. I suppose big cities can be like that. I dont recall any other places I have been where so many people have been feeling like this.
I'm not feeling lonely, I am feeling broke. I have never been broke in my life, thanks to my parents. But as much as I have wanted to do this on my own I haven't been able to. I had to borrow money from them--which I never even got to see cuz it went to pay off my debts. I still have lots more to pay off. I was thinking about how much I have to pay for my loan and every month it is like 2 weeks pay here, then by the time I pay rent, food, transport and fun of course, I wont get to save any money. Kind of disheartening. So I have to pay off the debts before I can save to go travelling again. And then I will have to buy new flights. AHHH!!! I am starting to stress about it. I cant afford to just work to have enough money to live on I need savings as well to carry on travelling.
My flights back to Ireland expire in December. But my mum said she'd pay for my flights if I want to go to Honduras for Christmas cuz the whole family will be there and they all want me to join them. I dont think I will be ready to leave in december, but although i quickly ruled it out I am starting to consider it now. It would be good to surprise everyone. Just tell my mum and thats it. But I wont be ready to go. But I cant afford to stay I dont think. I dont want to stay only to have to slave for 4 months to buy a ticket home, and not get to do any extra travelling. i hate all these money issues. I have been eyeing up my credit card. I have never gotten in to credit card debt. But I think I will start soon.
Money is a problem. I can make enough to live on and save, but not enough to live on, save and pay off my loan. I hate it...
Clarity
Lying in bed last night I reached total clarity in my head. It was like reaching a nirvana in thought. I was finally back in control of my brain, my thoughts, my actions.
I realized the other day how it's taken me a week to get nowhere. No job yet, no apartment, no new friends even. But last night it was all clarified for me. I had nothing to do, robbie williams on tv--no thanks. So I decided I would just go to bed, cuz someone was sleeping in the room so I couldnt have the light on. So I get into bed with my ipod on, just to think for a while, and oh how I thought! I just got back on the right track. My head is cleared, from everything now. All worries, all dilemmas, doubts and fears. I am shocked at how fast I was able to clean it up. This week of getting nowhere has gotten me farther than I could have imagined. I feel peace, about a lot of things.
So that is me, feeling good today. The sun is shining, it's 25 degrees, lunch time, and I have an interview in an hour!
NO ONE CAN HARM ANYBODY EXCEPT HIMSELF
Scattered
Thanks for the good advice regarding the boy. I have banished him from my life for the next few days. I haven't talked to him in about 2 or 3 days, it feels good. I will keep it up for another few days till I can clear my thoughts. I needed a break from him though and it's good to be able to just avoid him for a while.
My thoughts have been scattered lately. Just confusing. I wouldnt say that I am in a bad place, but I am in a strange one. Lots of thoughts and things that need to get sorted out in my head. In a full week in my hostel I havent talked to one person for over 10 minutes probably. Maybe less. I just dont feel like it. I dont know if that is right, and have considered forcing myself to be social, but I dont have the money to go out and drink, dont have the clarity in my head to concern myself with others. So I have spent a lot of time alone, by choice. Maybe soon I will start sorting things out, get a job, an apartment, and then be able to focus on things other than myself. For now though, it's all in the air I am afraid.
Stress
The Boy has been stressing me out lately. We chat a lot. Sometimes I get online at tims I know he will be there. Other times I try to skip around those times to avoid him. It's like some massochistic yearning within me. I want to talk to him, but afterwards I usually end up angry from our conversations. Because I cant get what I want out of them. I dont know what I want. Sometimes I just want to hear that he misses me. But he's the kind of person that wouldn't give me that, even if he did miss me. For some reason I feel like I need some sort of positive re-inforcement from him. But there's no chance of getting that.
We talk about trivial things. And I mean really trivial. We talk about premier league and betting on dogs. Things that are important to him I guess, he likes that I am involved in them, that we can talk about that sort of stuff, but now they seem so un-important when I just want him to properly talk to me. I get angry when I talk to him, frustrated. I feel like I am not getting what I want from him, and that's more to do with me than him. I want to not talk to him for a while. I cant be fully over him, fully at peace with the whole ending if I cant stand talking to him. I wish I could be more mature about it but I am sick of putting on a brave face and pretending everything is ok. But I dont want him to have that over me, to know how annoyed I am feeling about the whole thing.
I just need to meet someone new and move on. The last 3 guys I have been with have all hurt me, one way or another. Unintentionally usually, its always me or them moving. But I still end up hurt. And I am getting more hurt with each one of them. It's fucked. I should be getting stronger, not weaker. This trend needs to be reversed...
The Last 3 Months
Here's a few pics from the last three months.
This is all us girls from work. We were seriously out-numbered--about 10 guys and 3 girls. But we had fun...this is us out at Ministry of Sound!<
Some of us on Strech's last night
Strech's, aka Hobes' last night--we did a lot of shots
Hobes and I thinking we were very cool...very drunk of course!
This is Donkey trying to show me how great his body is :)
The Boy
So there was a boy involved in the last few months of my life. He lived with Rory on the Gold Coast, and I spent 6 weeks there. He told me about the job in the Snowy Mountains and put in a good word for me. So I got the job and we started working together. A bit of tumultuous history with us.But we got together in the end. We got serioulsy drunk one night and neither of us remember much of the night, never mind making out, but we were told we did. It didnt really surprise me, I knew he wanted me that night. That night we both passed out in the same bed and nothing happened, but we woke up and just got talking and then he declared that he wanted me. I took a few days to think about it, and decided that yes, I wanted him too.
We've always had a strange relationship. He intrigues me. He is really intelligent, really interesting, so we always had deep conversations on the Goldie, but our hang-over day was the first time we properly had close conversation in the Snowies. From there on everything went smoothly for a month. No problems at all. We were a full on couple, working together, living together, there was no seperation. But it was perfect. Things worked better than either of us could have imagined. Then when the honeymoon period ended there were a few bumps along the road but still pretty much good.
Then he moved to Sweden, something which I always knew would happen. I helped him book his flights. From day 1 we had an expiry date on our relationship. Strange really, knowing that alright--we'll be together till August 29th and then that is it. Neither of us wanted the long-distance thing. So now he's gone and after a week of being there he got back together with his ex-girlfriend who used to live here but also lives in Sweden (he didnt follow her there though). We've been talking about it a lot lately. I was pissed off that it only took a week for him to move on. He doesn't see it my way. And it's strange because I now have The Boy: the friend, whom I still want to have in my life, and whom I will still be really close to, but I have to let go of The Boy: the boyfriend. And its hard to be mad at the boyfriend and not want to be mad at the friend. Maybe not mad. Maybe be hurt by the boyfriend and still be close to the friend.
I know I'll get over the fact that he hurt me. And that even though things were great I dont think I could ever be with him again. I have told him that. I cant trust him if he can be over me in a week, if I can be discarded that quickly. But I just thought I would write about my latest male-drama.
Things are never as good as they seem to be, and at the same time, things are never as bad as they seem to be.
Growing Up...
Life in sydney is good. I just got here 2 days ago, so i have to start
looking for a place to live and a job. I am pretty broke...will be
eating a lot of cereal and ramen noodles for a while! Its funny cuz right now I dont know how much longer I will be out here. A week ago I was ready to go home, I was considering just leaving. Mainly cuz I have no money. And I didnt want to deal with the stress of moving and finding somewhere to live, etc. But money always
seems to sort itself out and hopefully it will this time as well. I
dont want to take the easy option and just go home. But I'm feeling
a lot better about it this week and i am happy to be here. I NEED to
be here. Just to figure out what I am trying to get from life, what I
want out of it. And it hasnt come to me yet but I feel myself growing
and maturing and even though I cant stand up and say THIS IS WHAT I
LEARNED WHILE I WAS TRAVELLING, I know that it's changed me a lot, its
made me more wise. I understand a lot more. It has benefitted me a
lot. So that is why I am here, to learn about myself, about people,
about the world. My parents want me to go back to honduras for
christmas. My brother and sister will both be there. A few weeks ago I
said I might come home. Now it doesnt look likely. I feel bad because
I know how much they want me there but I know how much I need to be
here. I will see where I am in a month and decide then, but I think I
will be staying here. I have my visa till april, I will be here till
then I think.
I have neglected my blog and blog-readers for the last 3 months, mainly because of limited internet access while in the Snowy Mountains. But that will change again. For now at least I feel like I have more to share, which is good. Life is starting over for me in Sydney. New job, new place to live, new friends. New me?
