Writer's Block...
I've been writing for a website for the past few months...agogus.com...which is basically a members-only website full of really interesting articles and insight into both the latest news stories and some random topics....
I have to write about intelligent design today...basically evolution vs creation...but I have lost all motivation and sense in my head. I cant seem to think straight. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm getting sick and have a fever and it's a cold, dark, wet, Dublin day outside. The rain is beating against the window and I want to lie under a blanket and watch tv. But I cant. I have to ignore my headache and just write...
The topic itself isnt too hard...it was shoved into our heads in our psychotic Christian high-school. And the fact that I'm totally confused about the whole 'higher power' issue will keep me nice and neutral...I just have writers block.
Lalalala....ok I need to TRY to work :) All I keep thinking about is men....haha. What's new...
Soles of my Feet
I decided today to post a few old photos of places I've been and people who've got me through life along the way...
Janet and Ad, two of my oldest friends, after one of our high school basketball games.
Tegucigalpa, Honduras
One day after a long day on the beach in Australia I went around the corner to make a phone call from a public phone...as I walked past a bottler I decided to go in and get some coronas...we drank them, went to get pizza and more coronas, hopped back into our hammock, had music blaring all night and we drank with tons of the neighbours. It was a really fun night!
Surfer's Paradise, Australia
Me and Rory in front of the Opera House in Sydney...New Years Eve is a really interesting story in itself but it's a LONG story :) Amazing though, Sydney is beautiful!
Sydney, Australia
Ad, me and Kat chilling on the Spanish Steps in Rome : ) We were finishing off some gelato, yum! It was strange having my two best friends from my 2 different worlds together at the same time.
Rome, Italy.
Andy and her one true love--food! Bim bim bap is so good--I have you to thank for introducing me to Korean food!
San Francisco, USA. 
That's it for now...It was hard to choose what to put up, and there are a lot of places and people I didnt put pics of but it would take me years to get everything in there! I found tons of random pics I want to post as well...one of these days...enjoy...
Worldwide Renewals
Lately my life has been pretty good. That's thanks to one thing...friends. Whether they are strangers who have let me into their lives through their blogs and comments, or old friends who remind me how great our friendship is, I've been thinking about how great my friends are for the last few days...so thanks!
Moving on...I went out on Thursday night. I haven't been out much in a long time...maybe it's just the whole getting over Brian thing has left me not wanting to go out and meet men! Who would have thought, Rhona doesn't want to meet new men! So I went out and had an amazing night! This really nice guy (Karl) came over and started talking to us and me and Kat couldn't decide whether he was trying to pick me up or pick her up...maybe he wanted us both! haha. I decided she could have him so I wandered off and made friends with a few random guys leaving them to do whatever they wanted : )
The club ended around 2:45 and the three of us left and sat down on some steps watching some construction guys digging up a busy street at 3 am! It was one of those random moments I wish I had my camera with me...So we sat there for a while, then one of Karl's other friends came over to us so at least I didnt feel like the 3rd wheel anymore : ) haha. It was strange for me....I am usually the one with the guy next to me and one of my friend's is the 3rd wheel....new experiences eh? haha! So then we started to look for a taxi...which included a lot of walking. Kat and Karl walked off into the sunset (ok well the pitch black night) as Peter and I followed just talking and making fun of them.
The guy that Karl introduced as 'my drunk but charming friend' actually turned out to be not so drunk, but VERY charming. The two of us seemed to be like old friends...we automatically connected and laughed at absolutely
everything and
everyone around us. I think I was too busy having a good time to want to kiss him or change the way we were acting...why make out with a guy when you can be laughing with him instead. hmm...another new experience by Rhona. haha.
So we ended up home at 5:30 and I had work at 9! haha. I got 2 hours sleep! But it was ALL worthwhile...I had a great night. And Peter's really cool. And I guess it was another realization that stranger's are friends you just haven't met yet :) (I just dont think I'll tell any kids that one! haha!) So maybe travelling alone wont be so hard...or maybe I'll just bring Peter along : )
Woah...Kinda true :)
I thought I would experiment with this. I answered everything properly first and it actually does say a lot about who I am and what I am like. Then I very cynically decided to do it again with all the oppoiste answers to see if the statements were so loose and flexible that I could apply them to me as well. But I couldn't. I wouldn't swear by it...but I suppose there is SOME thought put behind this :)
| Your Personality Is |
Idealist (NF)
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.
You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.
You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.
In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.
At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.
With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.
As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.
On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours. |
How can feeling
NOTHING feel so
PAINFUL???
The flexibility of emotions
Love makes everything disappear. It forms a smile on your lips in a second. It warms your mind, your body, your soul. It touches you in places you've never felt before. It comforts, it protects, it strengthens, it brightens, it over-shadows any hurt, pain, unease, everything. Love, when you have it, is the only thing you need to survive.
Then it leaves. And when it leaves, oh how it leaves. Suddenly the world is dark and cold and lonely and evil and horrific. Smiles that once were formed so easily now take a toll on your face. On your heart. On your stomach. It hurts to remember, but it hurts to forget. You realize that in those places where you first felt love, you now feel pain, hurt, sick, disgust, anger, loneliness, pity, hatred. You start to think that maybe you would have been better off never knowing love in the first place. But some evil masochistic part of you continues to replay the memories, tries to remind you of the butterflies and the feelings. Then your brain throws in second-long flashes of memories, of moments shared, of their face, their smile, their laugh, your perfect moments. Your perfect memories. And as time goes on you start to realize that you cant hate love because, it's
love...
...It's perfect. It's happiness. When you are in love you don't feel the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the cold of the world, because love brightens everything up. So when you don't have love, don't hate it. Just wait. Patiently. It will come back. Those deep places where you only feel pain, or worse, numb, they will once again feel love....some day.
I was walking home the other day and I liked this...I like the old cobbled streets and the rain and the blurry lights and the different colours...
Cowboy Up!
I guess I'm at a crossroads right now and I need to decide what to do....I've been waiting for someone to join me on my 'adventures' for a couple months now. I finally found Brian but he's still got college so that rules him out. Everyone else either has jobs or college or tend to flake out too much. I'm sick of waiting around for someone to get on the same page as me so I think I am ready to just get up and go.
I know that I am a very well-travelled person. I've been to so many places that sometimes I forget about all the places I've been. I *LOVE* to travel! I love seeing new places and new cultures and things that you have never seen before and may never see again. I lvoe the feeling of being somewhere completely new. One thing I have never done on all my travels though, is travel alone. Sure I've taken plane trips through China to Australia, and I've bussed up from Costa Rica to Honduars on my own, but like, real hardcore travelling on my own, with no one with me from departure to arrival...that's something foreign to me.
I'm scared that I wont be able to do it. I dont know why...because I know along the way I'll meet people and I'll still have fun but I like security, and I like friendship. I like the security of travelling with a friend, from getting drunk on boring train rides to laughing ourselves stupid remembering crazy stories, even just to have someone to lean on while I sleep on the bus...I want a travel buddy!
But it doesn't look like I have one at the moment, so I'm at a crossroads. It would be so easy for me to say I'll wait for someone to finally decide they want to quit their job/have enough money/have enough time off college to come with me, but I dont want to look back at my life and wish I had done everything I wanted to. I dont want to regret waiting around for someone to hold my hand. I'm not 7 years old anymore I want to face the world and I SHOULD! I want to be brave and pretend I'm not scared, but this IS something I want to do, and I dont want to be held back by anyone, and especially not by NO ONE!!! So I'm majorly going to think about this for a few weeks.
I had been planning on going down to Australia/New Zealand in March. I was going to do both the Kiwi islands first, on my own, then head up to OZ and travel around with Rory. But today Rory told me she's heading to Japan mid-February to teach English! So she wants me to come in December and then travel through asia with her in February. So that changed all my plans...December is too soon and I dont wnat to squeeze everything into 6 weeks.
So I was distressed this morning trying to figure things out...right now I am thinking of possibly going to Asia first with rory for about a month, then heading to NZ then Oz.
But on my own!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Ahh....I need some guidance :)
BALLS AND TESTOSTERONE!
Over the weekend I went to a Rugby match. Leinster (an Irish team) were playing Bath (from England.) It was so much fun. I've always loved sports, growing up basketball was my passion. Now I've moved on to rugby because I moved back to Ireland and there was no more NBA on tv (Blazers and Knicks, I still miss you though; Scottie Pippen, you'll forever be my childhood idol; Latrell Spreewell, there are so many things I could say; Vince Carter just one: marry me!). So I've moved on to rugby. In the past year rugby's been a part of all aspects of my life, I watch it on tv, I go out drinking to watch a match, I've dated more rugby players than non-rugby players. I love it! I love everything about it. I love the men that play it, I love the men that watch it. And I love the game (believe it or not some girls do actually WILLINGLY watch, understand, and love sports!).
So on Saturday sitting in the front row of the RDS stadium watching my Leinster squad I was having so much fun. The guy next to me kept yelling abuse at the ref and we all pissed ourselves laughing at his very witty comments. We yelled at the players, we cheered...it was great fun! And it helped that one of the guys that ranks VERY highly on my 'Rhona's most wanted:
to do ' list plays for Leinster, and he was running around looking sexy...but I swear its not just because of the guys..I DO love rugby!
So I took a few pics..not really too many because every time something good was happening nearby I was too busy WATCHING to take pics!
Scratch Deeper!
Scratch a cynic deep enough and you'll find a bruised hopeless romanticThat's my quote for the day. I'd never heard it before but I guess it sums me up. I love the idea of love, I love the thought or having someone out there who will love you forever and the second you meet everything will be happier ever after. But how often does that happen? Never. I guess failed love has left me cynical. Even succesful love has left me cynical. haha.
So far all I've gotten from failed relationships is the idea that love might just be there when you want to believe it's there. How many times do you think you loved someone...till it ended and you realize you were wrong. You weren't wronged you just FOOLED yourself! You let yourself believe what you want to believe...and when it's all over you tell yourself you were wrong so you don't ruin the hope that love
could be out there, that it
is out there somewhere.
Brian's probably the only man who's gotten to know my hopeless romantic side...even though he was more of a romantic than I was. I guess sometimes I have to fight off the cynic in me and let myself love...and be loved. But then again, it's easier not to. It's easier to be a cynic. Because the second you let yourself be loved you let yourself be hurt.
I guess I have no interest in men any more because I'm still getting over the last bruises...which were somewhat self-inflicted. But maybe there is hope. Brian and I are actually making the
just friends thing work--second time around. And I love having him in my life....I just had to fight love off. Maybe because I'm a cynic. Maybe because I'm a commitment phobe. Maybe because I'm just stupid.
But in true hopless romantic style, I believe that if it's supposed to be then it will all work out in the end :)
One Quick Thought!
If ugly people can get boyfriends, then should that give, or take away, hope from us hot people?
Yes, if they find someone then I can find someone too....Right?
BUT
Maybe if they find someone then that leaves no one else?
Hmm...I'm gonna go with the glass-half-full view on things.
I want to be as happy as the ugly people! I dont want to be hot and alone. That's not fair! My hotness is being wasted away....hahaha.
If anyone's offended then dont be....ugly people are cool too! (Sometimes! haha)
Urkel Dorky vs. Cosby Cool
In my head I'm the coolest person alive. I mean I use phrases like 'too cool for school' and actually think that I can get away with saying such a dorky phrase. hehe. I really do think I'm 'all that.'
I don't know where I got so delusional though! Maybe I just fooled myself into loving myself when no one else would. haha. Then sometimes I think of things I do and I realize I am such a dork. I (secretly) love Ryan Cabrera (ok, now it's not a secret anymore...). I think Scrabble is the coolest board game ever (but then again, I'm fond of dirty scrabble so that makes me cool again!) Hmm...I cant think of any of my other dorky traits...But there are some. Everyone's got their 'guilty dorky pleasures' I guess...or else I'm saying that to redeem myself!
There's a saying something along the lines of 'one person's trash is another person's treasure' (something like that--that's the Rhona-version!)...So I figure one person's dorkiness is another person's-umm-coolness.
Without trying to sound obsessive, psychotic or stalker-like, I need to mention Zach Braff. He's a prime example to all this! He is SUCH a dork, I used to watch Scrubs and think he was SO dorky. But after Garden State and getting my hands on anything and everything involving him, I feel like I understand him. I guess I just feel like our reasoning is similar. So I discovered his dorkiness is his coolness. It makes him who he is. It makes him cool and individual and unique and creative and sexy. It makes him
him.
So maybe embracing our differences, our quirkiness (is that a word?)is key. Which is a funny thing for me to realize because I don't tend to like weird, quirky people. I think they are freaks, and they are attention seeking or overly trying to make a statement (and yes, I AM a very judgemental person!). And I've always felt the need to blend in with strangers, not wanting to stand out. That's my whole fitting issue which I could write a book on. haha. Obviously not a good book because I'm still dealing with it...
I guess my POINT is that I'm a pretty confident person. I care more about what I think about myself then what other people think. But, in saying that, I still dont let everyone see the real me. I dont know if it's to do with my confidence, with blending in, or with rejection. It just takes a lot for me to be myself. I can be relaxed and I can be fun and I can sometimes be myself, but it's not often that I can be
me all the time.
One of my closest friends once pointed out that she had never seen me cry (in about 5 years of very close frienship). I guess I can open up to some people but not others. I can be myself with some people, but not with everyone...but now I need to stop because I feel like I'm opening up too much :)
I dont know if I have a point anymore. That I am cool. Of course, that's the obvious one. Maybe that not everyone is what they seem to be on the outside. Maybe that we shouldn't judge as quickly as we tend to. Maybe that our individuality is our key to succeeding together. Maybe that true love is out there (ok I didn't talk about that at all today but I would still like to believe it...). Maybe that what one person (even you) finds dorky/boring/ridiculous/pathetic or just plain wierd is what another person will find intersting/cool/fun/amazing or just absolutely perfect :)
On a Blog Hunt
Today I was reading over random blogs as I searched for a way to put what was in my head into words. I still haven't found it, but I think I've made other important discoveries. I saw quite a few blogs in portuguese. I was pretty surprised at how many there were, but I was happy because I havent studied/heard/talked any portuguese since my last portuguese exam in college in May. And I dont want to forget it....so it's nice to be reminded that I can understand it :) But I am straying from my point....
My most *AMAZING* discovery today: I found
a man capable of love Yup, you heard it! I was shocked too. But JW, if you're reading this...you restored my faith in all the men of mankind! Thanks!
I am his perfect woman. That's scarey. I didn't think I could ever fulfill anyone's description of wants! haha. But it makes me happy...if I can be everything he wants, then someone out there could be everything I want. JW, maybe you have it all :) But at very least, you have inspired hope, and that, is more important than you can imagine.
EZ Smiling///NZ Calling?
Sometimes it is so easy to smile, other times, it feels like a chore. I miss days when I used to practically skip down the street because I was so happy. Or times when I would break out into a smile or laughter when I was all on my own, and people on the street would look at me as if I was pyshco.
Today I smiled at a stranger just because. Just because I didn't want to smile. Just because it was the morning. Just because I wanted to brighten someone else's day up. When I did it I realized something...I used to ALWAYS smile at strangers. I used to always break out into laughter on my own. I used to be HAPPY. What is wrong with me now then? It's back to all being in my head.
I guess for a while I started to feel down...and ever since, I've ALLOWED myself to be sad. I let myself stop smiling. I allow me to feel sorry for myself. I want to mope around. But that's it. I'm sick of it. Life isn't fun when you think the worst all the time. So now it's time to fool myself into being happy. It wont be the first time I did it and it probably wont be the last. But it works. And I liked my fake happiness more than my fake sadness. If you let yourself be happy, the world seems so much brighter.
Ok that's my EZ Smiling section out of the way. As for NZ Calling...today I was thinking about maybe heading to New Zealand. Me and my crazy ideas, right? Well New Zealand seems like a far-enough place to run away from everything. And everyone. My brother and sister are driving me crazy today...so I just want out. So maybe come February I'll be blogging from the other side of the equator...maybe......
Rhona's Reality
This picture, however random, comforts me. I took it in London Heathrow, as I was waiting to board my flight back to Dublin after an amazing summer spent in San Francisco!
It put an end to the theme of 'The Travels of our Feet' (although I never actually posted the pics...oops!)
So much was going on with me when I took the picture...
I had just gotten off my flight from San Fran, which had been delayed...I thought I was going to miss my connection, they made me wait 30 minutes in the wrong line, they finally told me the right line, I was first in line but it took her another 30 minutes to sort me out, then I legged it across about 2 miles of airport carpet, got to my flight only to find out my flight to Dublin was delayed as well (Thanks for leaving out that LITTLE bit of info Ms. Aerlingus Check-In Lady). Then when I sat down to use my phone, it didn't work. And in the middle of all that I ALMOST lost my ipod.
But when I took this pic, I was in my own world. I had my music on to distract me. I was in limbo--sad about everything that I was leaving behind, thinking about all the great memories I made, while at the same time, looking forward-albeit with nervous anticipation-to the uncertainty of what I was heading back to.
This was also when I was flirting silently with my Zach Braff guy :)
I guess this picture just brings me back to that moment. Everything was a hectic mess, I was running around and being told to run around everywhere and everything was a mess and I was getting stressed and then.....
...then I just sat. Quietly. And I re-entered my world. Back to calm, back to peace, back to reality. Ok, not reality. Rhona's Reality.
I like to remember that moment. Re-visit it. To remind myself that everything can be crazy...but you will get to that moment of calm...even if you have to create it yourself.
Photographic Memory vs Memorable Photography
This past week I have seen a lot of 'kodka moments.' Split instances that you wish you could immortalize by capturing them forever. It's usually small things...the same statue of Oscare Wilde I've seen a million times just appealed to the mood I was in. Autumn leaves. A jogging man. Ireland fans on their way to the soccer match. The 'Morning Suit Sprint', the nickname I've given to my walk to work everyday (I happen to pass the train station every morning when the train gets in a floods of suits all race to get to work on time)--it's something so monotonous, so New York- Wall Street-Cosmopolitan that I see some sort of substance in it...whether we run society or society runs us I will leave for another blogging session. But my camera hasn't been by my side (because my bag is bursting with things much less important...) until now. I'm packing a new bag...it's main contents: money, keys, ipod, phone, camera, gum. Always :)
But here's a couple of pics I like...
This is Dublin on a nice day. It's rare to get nice days in October, but we've had a few. I love Dublin when you can see clear blue skies and the sun is shining. This is about 5 minutes from my house...it's my head-clearing place. But I took this pic as I was driving by!
RARELY do I get time on my own now. I guess I am used to having all my weekends to my self last year...my roommates would all go home and I KNEW I would only have to see people if I wanted to. Now I am never alone. Last Thursday I actually had about an hour at home with no one else. It was SO nice to just be alone. I took a picture of my view from the balcony...it just looked so quiet, so peaceful. I liked it...
Same Shit Different Day.....
I feel like i have something to say but I'm not really sure what. I'm realizing what the real world is like. I'm starting to understand what the rest of life will be like. But I hope I am wrong.
I find myself doing the same thing over and over at work every day. I go in, sit down, get to work for about 5 minutes, then start to talk if I am awake enough. At 10:15 me, Stephen, Derrota and Emma take our break. We come back up at 10:40 usually (and it's supposed to be a 15 minute break! haha), then next thing I know I look up at 11:30. Everyday, it never fails, I always see 11:30. Then lunch at 1, back at 2, break at 3:15, work till 5. Home.
Same shit different day, right?
But I dont want that to be my life!
I understand how people can be bitter about their lives, about the routine, about meaningless jobs that they have to work at day after day. I am glad that I am realizing this at 21. I am glad that I have an education. That I have dreams. That I have ambition. That I am not compliant enough to just sink into my chair and do my job for the rest of my life. Some people I work with have been their for 5 years. I wont make it 5 months...I need a change. I need some spark in my life. I need something that I LOVE to do. Something I smile about. Something I look forward to on a Sunday evening. Something I would not be able to live without. I want to be like my mom...I cant ever imagine her retiring. I want something I really do love, something that I would not be able to imagine my life without. And if a Mercedes Benz and a €50000+ salary and an Ailesbury Road mansion all come along with this love-of-my-life job then I will be even happier!
I just want something that defines me.
I always think about how I would love to just up-and-go to another city. Move to London just for the experience. Just to know what it's like. Move to Australia for a few months. Maybe I should do less thinking...just book a flight and make myself go. I dont know. I dont know how I would handle it. How I would make friends. How I would get over the loneliness of a new city when I still feel lonely in a familiar city with family and friends here. Maybe there would be less loneliness somewhere else. Somewhere new. An escape is what I need. But then again, I will hesitate. As always. I will hesitate. And I will spend a lot of time thinking about it but not enough time acting on it. As usual.
MUSIC TO MY EARS
On my way home from work as I was playing this song on my Ipod I started imagining what it would be like to have your own movie, and pick out all the songs that influence you, and that feel like they are a part of you, to be in your movie. So I started thinking about what I would put on my soundtrack. I am such a schizo that I would need like 5 soundtracks for the moods I would be in while watching the movie. Sometimes happy sometimes quiet sometimes hyper sometimes excited sometimes hopeful sometimes depressed. A lot of songs I would feature are song lyrics that I have posted up here. Matchbox 20 would steal the scene. They would be the feature band, because they get me through everything, and I owe them at least a spot on my soundtrack...at least that :) Coldplay would be on my depression soundtrack, because Chris Martin always understands. These songs, Such Great Heights by The Postal Service and Rooster's To Die For would be on my hopeful soundtrack. Because they have hope that love really is out there. There's always hope.
Over the past three years I've gotten into the whole 'underground' scene of music. I like discovering new artists. I like to have something playing for months beofre it is on the radio. I like feeling like I've discovered the world's best-kept-secret. And sometimes I feel bad when they start to get famous. haha. I get almost jealous when I hear Damien Rice everywhere...because he's Irish and he's been on my cd player for years before everyone else knew who he was. I wanted to go to the Rooster concert when everyone was still saying 'Rooster? Who?' Kaiser Chiefs, the Killers...(I owe those to you Bri!)I like being ahead of everyone.
So maybe on my soundtrack I would just have a line up of totally new acts. New to the world. Brought to you by Rhona. Maybe it would open people's eyes a bit. I like to experience new things...new places, new foods, new music.
Who would be on your soundtrack???
Such Great Heights by The Postal ServiceI am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you homeTo Die For By Rooster
How can it hurt
When I feel no pain
How can it heal
If I look the same
I've been searching all my mornings
For the last breath of a dream
Are you drowning or just waving
'Cos im tearing at the seams
I wanna live
And I wanna breath
Always thought you'd be the one to set me free
But I can forgive
'Cos you make me believe in something more
Now I only want to live if i can find
Find somebody to die for
Find somebody to die for
How can you lose
if its not a game
How can you love
if you're never going to change
Gonna find my way
Through this maze of my desire
Come what may bitter love or wasted time
You might say
I'm chasing shadows in my mind
But there's a light that guides my way to all I live for
Somebody to die for
Coincidences..I think not.
In the past week I've had three separate occurrences that seem like coincidences...But I don't really believe in coincidences.
Yesterday I had a really bad headache and I couldn't find a sweater I was looking for. So I decided to give up looking after about 1 minute and sat down on the floor at the foot of my bed (where I have
never sat before) staring in front of me trying to relax my head. So I was staring into space and I focused in on what I was staring at, when I realized I was staring at the box where my sweater was!
Then a few days ago I was thinking about how I wanted a really really cool job...And then I saw an advertisement for a graduate job fair!
AND this time last year this guy Rob, Paddy O'Connell's friend, introduced me to The Postal Service. He played the cd for me one morning and I really liked them. But I went home and forgot about them...Then last week I was downloading the Garden State soundtrack and I re-discovered The Postal Service. What was weird about that was that I re-discovered them a year later, but almost to the exact DAY that I first heard them!!!
So I am a bit weirded out by the past week's incidents. It makes me happy. Things like that make me feel like there is actually someone, or something, out there. They might not be in control of anything, but I guess it gives me faith in the Universe. Maybe life isn't cold and meaningless and evil. Maybe sometimes, just sometimes, someone watches over us and likes to remind us that no matter how hard times get, they are still there.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm hardly going to become a fully-fledged believer in
anything. But I guess I caught a glimpse of the faith that Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists all share. Knowing something is out there protecting you. Knowing SOMEONE mightier than us is out there. It's nice. It's comforting on the days when there is no one else out there next to you.
Maybe I just believe there are no coincidences to make myself feel safe. To fool myself into believing there is some sort of weird Power surrounding us. I wont lie...It makes me feel secure. And I like that sometimes.
But at a time like now, when I feel like no one listens to me, like no one
HEARS me, it's nice to know
someone out there does...
Reasons to hold on? (I cant count any...)
Today I'm just going to rant and complain and say whatever the fuck I want. I'm not going to try to make any stupid points, or reach any conclusions, or take a stand on any morals. I'm not going to talk about my wishes and dreams, or think about saving the world or changing it. I'm going to talk about fuckheads. All the fuckheads in my life.
I used to think introspection was important. Maybe I just liked it because I do it a lot. If I were a poet I'd be Antonio Machado writing Soledades. But I'm not a poet. I'm just a girl who is struggling with everything life is throwing at her. My latest struggle-friends.
I wrote before about wavelengths...well right now it seems like everyone in my life has ganged up against me and they all hopped on the same wavelength...leaving me all on my own. Everyone, and not just one or two friends, EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY LIFE has fucked off. They are all to obsessed with their boyfriends, with their classes, with fucking EVERYTHING that they have forgotten who I am. No matter what country, what city, who they fucking are, every one of my friends is the same.
I cant remember the last time someone asked me how I feel. What I've been doing. How I like my new job. How things with Brian are. How the hell MY fucking life is. And I dont want to sound like I'm just bitching about not getting enough attention....I'm getting nothing. And what is the fucking worst is that I still listen to their shit because I dont want to be guilty of their crimes. I just feel like I'm being used by all my friends. They all talk to me and hang out with me and cry on my shoulder when they need me. But the second they find something or someone else, they forget my name.
Everyone is too consumed with themselves to look at other people. I'm sick of listening to other people's shit when they dont even care how the fuck I am. I know people are busy...but if you're going to make me listen to how much you love/hate your boyfriend or how you cant get used to sleeping in the same bed as him because he snores or how one of your friends is fighting with you or because your cat got swept away in a fucking tornado, if I have to listen to your shit, which I normally dont mind listening to because I am your FRIEND, the least I could get is a 'how are things with you?' I dont even care if it's an ingenuine question and you dont listen to my answer. Fuck it, dont listen! Just ask. Just ask.....that's all I want. To feel like someone cares. Even if they dont...just fool me.
I always thought I had good friendships, some REALLY GOOD friendships. I never would have doubted some of them. Right now, I can count only two that I am sure of. I have Brian and Kat and other than that, I dont know if anyone else actually remembers my fucking name (unless they are having a crisis of course). The second they are sad/needy/broke/upset/angry/lonely/in need of comfort that's when they think to turn to me.
I'm sick of being so fucking nice. I am sick of listening to people who wont listen to me. I am sick of ALL my friendships being one-sided. Why should I be there for people who aren't there for me?
I guess everyone hits that bottom rock...there is a point in everyone's lives when they realize that they are alone. You always here people saying you can only depend on yourself. I always thought that was kind of cynical. I just hadn't been there until now. Now I understand what they mean. During the good times you need to remember everyone around you wont be there the second they decide to move on to other things. Nothing is safe. Nothing is secure. Nothing is true.
The sad thing is, if people do still want me to listen...I probably still will. Whether they care how I am or not. I guess because I am still their friend. Or maybe because I am just stupid. Masochistic. Easily used.
And after all this...if anyone wants to fucking ask me
how I am and talk to me....
I DONT WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT.
Solitude
There are always going to be bumps along the road of life. Right now though, I feel like I'm completely off the track. I'm riding on some back road....I dont know where this road is leading me, but I've been on it for too long....I'm starting to run out of gas and there's no one around to save me...
My life feels so different from the way it used to be. EVERYTHING has changed. What happend to going out all week and meeting so many people, and hanging with my boyfriend on the weekends, and having non-stop fun. I have none of that anymore. I don't have anything. Somehow every friend I have seems to have disappeared. I know I haven't lost them all, everyone's just busy. Whether they are in Australia, Honduras, the U.S, Laois or Dublin, everyone has just disappeared. I guess I've been slightly estranged too.
I know some times life will be rough...A lot of times it will be. And I'm ok with that. All I wish is that there was someone to stand next to me when it pours rain. Not to offer me some shelter, not to block the wind...but just to be there. I miss company. I miss friendship. Nothing feels the same anymore. Even friendships with some of my closest friends feel like they have dissolved. I don't understand what is going on.
All I want is another person there. Someone to make the sun shine through the rain clouds. Someone to splash in the puddles with. But so far, in truely tragic style, no one seems to be there when you need them the most...
The Idea of Love (and Zach Braff)
I was once told by a teacher in highschool that I was in love with the idea of being in love. It was the most intellectual thing I had ever heard him say. I am. And I wont even try to deny it. Because I let my imagination take me away. It leads me to the strangest places and the most un-imaginable situations which are all...imagined. Makes sense? In my head everything does.
So that leads me to my Zach Braff sighting. (For all you ignorant un-blessed souls, Zach Braff is JD in Scrubs, and he's the brilliant mind behind, and in, Garden State!) I was sitting in London's Heathrow Airport waiting to board my delayed flight and I spot this scrubby looking guy (excuse the pun!) with the most amazing blue eyes. He was in jeans and a baseball cap and flip flops...obviously American because Europeans dont dress like that :) So we start making eye contact....we'll look at eachother, look away...look back after a while, get caught looking, look away....eventually our eyes would wander back to one another's...this happened for maybe half an hour. Then we board, we lose eachother...till we land. I see him in the first row, standing up waiting to get off the plane. He spots me...eye contact starts again. The first time he saw me we made eye contact and he looked away smiling...as if he was like I FOUND HER AGAIN! (At least that is what I was thinking!)
Then we lost eachother again...until we went through passport control. He was filling forms out (proving that he was American) and I got to walk through with my Irish passport. So we lose eachother again...on to baggage claim...I knew I would find him there again...bags usually take hours to come in Dublin Airport. Not this time. My bag was out before I could even wonder what I would say to him....I just knew I had to say something. I couldn't not talk to him...there was DEFINITELY something there. I could ask him if he was just visiting Ireland...or studying here....I could tell him he looked like Zach Braff...I could ask him if he needed to be shown around the city...or if he wanted to go get a coffee sometime...or to call me if he was feeling lonely...or if he wanted to marry me!
But my bag came. And I couldn't just stand there and wait for him. So I walked towards the exit...very slowly...stopping to go to the bathroom next to the conveyor belt, come out, search for my phone, put on lip gloss, fix my hair...do ANYTHING that would justify standing there a second longer waiting for him. But he never came. I never saw him again. In my head, that was love. In my mind, I fell in love. I WAS in love. I would, or at least I could, have loved him forever.
But that was all in my head. Watching Garden State yesterday it reminded me of my Zach Braff moment. I dont care if it was him or not, because who he was in my head was so much better than anyone could be in real life. I fell in love with Garden State the first time I saw it, even though I never got to see the end of it.
Watching the end of it yesterday made me fall even more in love with Andrew Largeman, and Zach Braff, and my imaginary Zach Braff, and the idea of love. It's out there somewhere...
...My Zach Braff is out there somewhere...
BRAIN FOOD
Today I came across this:
"Everyone thinks about changing the world but no one thinks about changing themselves"
It inspired me to change. just a little. Even if all I do is make people contemplate this phrase for one minute.
I even replaced my usual backup phrase on messenger:
"My imaginary friend thinks you're weird"
and that phrase is hilarious to me. But for at least a few days I will replace it..just to let a few people be inspired by somebody else's wise words...
