Me me me and my globe-trotting
Here's an excerpt from an email I wrote to a few of my friends today...it sums up how I am feeling :)
....Ahh...It's so weird. For so long I have been feeling so lost, not knowing where I am in life and where I am going but I have finally realized one thing. none of it matters. I am FREE. I can do what I want, when I want, I can go where I want and with whom I want and I don't need to stop and ask for permission, or ask if someone wants to come, or see if anyone minds that i am going....it's me me me. And although that might seem very well,
me, this is the first time in twenty one years that everything, and I mean
EVERYTHING is up to me. I don't need to run it by my parents...i'm now financially independent. I don't need to wait for time off college, I have my degree (my graduation is on monday!), i don't need to run it by work, screw them, i am just there to get paid so i can save to go away!!!!! I don't have to worry about leaving my boyfriend/fiance/husband (haha if only i could have all 3 at once!) or leaving my kids at home...or worry about taking them with me.
For so many years (actually not so much anymore, but let's not go there) Rhona has been in the middle of the universe. But this the first time I am legitimately there. My life is in my own hands. I do with it what I want. And that, my friends, is the most amazing, empowering feeling in the world.
Rhona...all grown up.
ME ME ME!!!!
So
Kate had this on her blog and I decided I'd copy her and do the same...It's just a few random questions that let you know a little more about me.
Name:
Rhona
Birthday:
30 June 1984
Birthplace:
Dublin, Ireland
Current Location:
Back in good ol' Dublin
Eye Color:
Brown with cool black splshes of colour :)
Hair Color:
Brown
Height:
5' 3" (rounded up!)
Right Handed or Left Handed:
right
Your Heritage:
Irish/Honduran
The Shoes You Wore Today:
Nike's
Your Weakness:
Men! hahaha!
Your Fears:
Not fulfilling my potential
Your Perfect Pizza:
Ohhh Hawaiian with LOTS of pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
Getting some sort of idea what I want to do with my life
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
hahaha or hehehe or jejeje if I want to laugh in Spanish :) I like to laugh! Oh and I psychotically use '...' I cant help it....see!!! And triple exclamation marks...I'm an expressive person I guess. Or else I'm NOT expressive and I have to rely on all these symbols...I don't know...
First Thoughts Waking Up:
'QUICK! TURN OFF THE ALARM AND GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!'
Your Best Physical Feature:
Ohhh...Where should I start? hehehe (see, overused laughter!) Umm...I like a lot of things about myself so I don't know...What can I say, I get a lot of compliments :)
Your Bedtime:
should be filled with lots and lots of sex but it's not :(
Your Most Missed Memory:
Having someone next to you who can always make you laugh. Whether it's Brian in Belfast, or it's Andy in San Francisco, or all my high school friends during study hall in Taco's office!
Pepsi or Coke:
Diet Coke with some lime and ice please! I have one chilling in the freezer right now
MacDonalds or Burger King:
First of all isn't it McDonalds (yes it's sad I know that). Mcdonalds but in Honduras it would have to be Wendys!
Single or Group Dates:
Come on...Single of course!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
Is there a difference? You cant get Lipton here so Nestea...
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Can I have both?
Cappuccino or Coffee:
Mmmm...Coffee! Cappuccino...In an extra large mug please
Do you Smoke?
No...Unless I am really stressed. Or occasionally if I am out. But not too often.
Do you Swear:
A lot but not as much as before...
Do you Sing:
I like to sing weird strange songs at home...Or instead of saying something I will sing it. Then there's the car....So yes. But if you asked CAN I sing, the answer is no :)
Do you Shower Daily:
Most days!
Have you Been in Love:
Yes. With people, with places, with foods, with corona, with many many things.
Do you want to go to College:
BACK! AGAIN!?!?! I want to go back to do my masters...Right now I am thinking either Journalism or International Relations or Development studies...
Do you want to get Married:
Yes...But not just for the sake of it. I'd rather be single till I die at the ripe old age of 111 than be married to someone who doesn't make me happy to be alive and by their side every single day of my life.
Do you believe in yourself:
Sometimes :) I'm indecisive, remember!
Do you get Motion Sickness:
Only if I read (like Kate!)
Do you think you are Attractive:
HOT STUFF BABY! haha. Yes. And I don't just think I am, I KNOW I am!
Are you a Health Freak:
Umm...I go through phases. I like to be healthy but then again I love stuff like diet coke and coffee and fast food so I guess I generally even out to being normal.
Do you get along with your Parents:
I think I am a lot like my mom in some ways so we get along pretty well. My dad and I get along but we're not really close...
Do you like Thunderstorms:
I LOVE them! That's one thing I really miss about Honduras, the psychotic tropical storms....There's not my thunder and lightening in Ireland...
Do you play an Instrument:
No But I've always wanted to play guitar.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
Haha, what a question! Yesterday I had a beer at 11 am! Hahaha!!! I'm not an alcoholic I swear...I was going to a rugby match at 12 and decided we needed one to get us in the mood :) hahahaha. And the other day I went to the off-license to buy a six pack of corona and I came out with a crate of 24! hahahaha!
In the past month have you Smoked:
No I don't think I have...
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
I don't do drugs...
In the past month have you gone on a Date:
No I'm a loser! haha. But I've met two guys if that helps any....I wasn't interested in either of them to go out with them though...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
I was Christmas shopping for my parents earlier...I came home empty handed.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
I don't really like oreos...But my blog nickname is oreo...I could explain where that came from but, no I probably shouldn't go there. It's kinda explicit! haha. I have Andy to thank for that nickname though!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
Last time I ate sushi was in San Francisco with Andy, Juls, Emma and everyone else...It was REALLY good sushi!
In the past month have you been on Stage:
No but next week is my college graduation and I WILL be on stage :) I just wanna grab my diploma and run!
In the past month have you been Dumped:
No but I've done the dumping...Actually that was more than a month ago. Never mind.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
IN IRELAND??? I wouldn't have any feeling left in my body!
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
Nope.
Ever been Drunk:
I'm Irish. And Honduran. I'll give you 3 guesses.
Ever been called a Tease:
Only by EVERY man that has ever known me! Haha. Why...Is that not a good thing? haha!
Ever been Beaten up:
No but I've always wanted to give a guy a black eye for some odd reason...
some day....
Ever Shoplifted:
Yes. Sorry. It's bad, I know.
How do you want to Die:
Without knowing I'm dying
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
Rich! Haha. I've always aimed high..as a kid I wanted to be a doctor or an astronaut...Now as long as I am happy and feel like I am doing some good and making a difference in the world then I'll be happy with what I am....
What country would you most like to Visit:
South Africa, Argentina, Vanuatu, and I want to go on safari in kenya, and see the pyramids in Egypt....I live to travel.....
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:
Dark brown or green
Favourite Hair Color:
Usually I go for dark brown or black...not really into blondes, but I'm happy for guys to try to change my opinion :)
Short or Long Hair:
Ohh...I'm kinda into shaggy hair at the moment...it's a bit of a rugby player thing to have around here and I like it. But not LONG hair..just overgrown :) And no frizzy hair, that's just gross.
Height:
I'm quite short so anyone about 5 7 will be ok with me.
Weight:
Skinny boys need not apply.
Best Clothing Style:
Casual. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl....then again, a man in a suit will always get a second look from me.
Number of Drugs I have taken:
One. I smoked a little weed in Panama a few summers ago...I'm not into drugs but it was an island thing :)
Number of CDs I own:
I cant count that high...Not that I even listen to any of them anymore because they're all on my ipod now....
Number of Piercings:
I have two sets in my ears and my belly button.
Number of Tattoos:
None, because a)I'm not really that into them and b) I wanted one when I was younger but could never commit to a design for more than a few weeks! For once my indecision saved me!!!
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
Nothing. Everything happens for a reason...I hope.... :)
Lost In Translation
I just watched Lost In Translation...if you've never watched it, then go watch it now! It's one of those love it or hate it movies. I hadn't seen it since it was in the cinema...over a year ago I think. I connected with it straight away but I had sort of forgotten why, until I watched it again today. LONELINESS!!! I love how their lives are so static, so boring, so just...stuck in nothing. That's how I feel now...so I guess it gives me hope that I'll get out of it :) hehe.
I've been planning my trip a bit more today! I must admit I havent done much planning, just more thinking about it because I cant commit :) But I am realizing that little by little all my thoughts are forming into plans. I feel a lot of things about this trip. I feel scared, anxious, excited, petrified, exstatic, doubtful, anticipation, confusion, more doubt, reluctance, positivity, hesitance, reassurance...
It's just a whole lot of swirling doubt in my head. But on one hand I have commited to it. I feel like I
need to do this. I am totally lost in life and I have no idea where I want to end up but getting away will change my perspective, and I really need that. So yes, it would be AMAZING to have one of my best friend's by my side for the whole trip, someone to experience things with, someone to laugh with, someone to lean on, someone to make me smile. But there will be other people who will do that...that's something I'm coming to grips with. I think one thing I am learning though is that not only will I have to go alone, maybe the whole point of my situation is that I need to go alone. I need to do this for my future. I've travelled
a lot in my life, I have met a lot of cool people and I have friends from a million different places, I know about cultures and languages and societies....but I've never done this. I have never depended on myself 100%. And I think it'll open my eyes up to other people, to the world, to myself. I'm not going away to get drunk and party...I'm sure it'll happen, but if I wanted that I'd go to some cheesy resort in Ibiza or Southern Spain. I'm going to (without sounding to new-age) find myself. Not even find myself, just understand myself. I thought I knew myself pretty well, but all this future stuff is clogging my head and I think I need to get away from
my real world and get a change of scenery.
So when I am strong and I look forward to my trip I get excited. Other times, I feel petrified and I try to change my mind but I know I cant. I havent got anything in stone yet, no flights, no real plans, but in my head I've made the decision to go no matter what my emotions decide...and that's that. This is one decision I WILL keep! I've pretty much chosen a date I want to leave on as well! So that's that...I am going away...even if I want to chicken out!
Mixed Emotions
Right now I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to blog about. Where should I start?
For those who dont know, I moved in to my brother's and sister's apartment in August to save money and avoid having to pay real *OUTRAGEOUSLY HIGH* rent in Dublin. As a trade-off to saving money, I dont have my own room. Now in college I shared a room, but that was with Kat, one of my best friends. She's the only person I know of that I can properly share a room with. Here I just feel like I have no privacy, no time to myself. But they are both gone up to our cousin's for the weekend and I decided to stay down just to get a bit of peace and quiet! So I am very happy, but it is strange to be alone.
Secondly...I feel lonely. I guess I am having another one of those realizations that I am alone in the world, and I dont like that. I've lived the majority of my life depending solely on myself...sure there's my family, there's friends, but at the end of the day it seems like every one else has other ties and I'm not at the top of any one else's priorities. Despite this though, I still feel like I
SHOULD have someone who cares. So I am just doubting a lot of things today.
Also I'm going through the 'Who am I?'/'What am I doing with my life?'/Where am I going/where do I want to go in life?' dilemmas...it's getting really old cuz I have no clue about any of it and I dont know why I have to fucking care so much...those thoughts are always just circulating through my head. It's like I feel like there is somewhere in life that I should be, something I should be doing, I just dont know WHAT it is!!! It's stressful...
I didnt get much sleep last night and usually the after-affects of that leave me tired, grumpy and conteplative. So I rented myself a few movies, I was at the Ireland-Romania rugby match earlier (more on that later), I got home and watched the second half of the Scotland-New Zealand match, and the Wales-Australia one is starting now so it's been a huge rugby day for me :) So I'm gonna lie in front of the tv for the rest of the night and contemplate life a little bit more...
Missing in a Void
So I have been gone for a few days...life has been busy lately, I feel like I never have blog-time. My friend Kat has been staying with me for the past 2 weeks so I've been spending a lot of time with her...she just found a place to live and will be moving in this week which should give me more time....
I am sad today. For various reasons....
Ireland lost a rugby match against Australia today. It was just a friendly...but I feel bad about it-I'm a loyal fan.
I went out last night and met someone. But there were a lot of things that didnt feel right and a lot of things I was confused about. Things used to be so easy when I would go out, I would go and have fun and meet guys and I never thought about the way things felt...now I think I am caught in the 'relationship trap'...I am so used to going out and having my man and not even looking at other people that now I dont know what I want and what I am looking for. The last thing I am looking for is another relationship but at the same time I dont just want one night stands and meaningless nights....see my dilemma? And I dont want to be alone because I feel like I need to move on, and I cant move on till I start seeing other people, no matter how meaningless it is, but I dont know if I want to bother with the meaninglessness. I really know how to create dilemmas for myself.
And now I think I am freaking out about my trip. I still haven't booked anything cuz I am waiting to hear from a friend I am supposed to go to Asia with. But today I had no one to go watch the match with and Rog kicked me out cuz he was watching a soccer match at home, and I
really didnt want to go watch it on my own...now I wonder if I cant watch a 2 hour rugby match on my own how am I going to be ok with 2 months alone? Then again I know it's weird being in my own city alone whereas I woudl feel differently being somewhere new alone, if that makes any sense...and I think today I'm in one of those moods where I just dont want to be alone...at least not alone around crowds of people.
Anyway, I hardly got any sleep last night and I have a bit of a hangover and to cure it I kept drinking today so I probably need to just think a little less and I will be fine...
Neopolitan thoughts
I have a lot in my mind right now and I dont know what to write and what not to...
First of all I am thinking about my trip. I am getting really excited trying to plan it out, but sort of stressed as well. I know it will be amazing, and the planning is fun, but I am a VERY indecissive person and that is a problem in itself, but then when it comes to thinking about how much money I need and how much time I should go for and trying to sort out plans, it stresses me out! argh! haha. But it is a good stress I guess :)
I had this dream the other night...I guess it was about how I wish things
could be. In it me and Brian were still
together, and we were planning this trip
together. The two of us were getting ready to take the world on
together...and it made me so happy but so sad as well. I guess this last week I have been thinking about us a lot and I really wish I could make 'us' work. But it is so hard to find time for myself never mind for someone I really love and don't want to drag through the mud again. So I am
alone. Going on this trip
alone. Making plans
alone. Ah well...
One more thing...Is there ever a point in life when we give up on only feeling satisfied if we are amazed, exstatic, fabulous, and just decide that not feeling un-happy is good enough? I dont know how complacent I should feel...should I be happy that things are ok or sad that they aren't everything I-as an *idealist*-wish they could be?
A.D.D
My ex-boyfriend's friends one day affectinally decided my new nickname should be A.D.D. Yes, they do think I have attentin deficit disorder. It's not my fault I have a low attention span and tendencies to get hyper : )
Today I suffered from A.D.D majorly. No matter how hard I couldn't concentrate, so I ended up running around my office talking and playing tricks on people all day. hehe. I like when I get my ADD attacks...other people might not like it, but it is fun for me. Haha. Except for when I a)get in trouble b)get people pissed off at me c)really have to do something but cant concentrate and hence piss myself off.
I like the nickname A.D.D but one of my best friend's called Ad so it is too similar....now that I think about it, it would have been a good blog name. oh well.
So today I was thinking about my a.d.d....and mark and jason and the rest of the guys.
And Brian. I was talking to him yesterday and Kat said she could just see how happy I was on the phone and she knew it was him. Sometimes I love him....no, ALL the time I love him...the world's just evil and it comes between us. But I think we are over the we-used-to-be-together bit and now we are happy we can be friends. And today I miss him...as a friend. I like the way he makes me smile...and the way he makes me laugh...and the way he makes me feel...and I guess he'll probably end up reading this...so that's why I still love you Bri : )
Feed on me
Today I feel sick. Alone. Worried. Confused. Anxious.
SCARED.
I don't really want to get into why, but I guess when things scare you all of a sudden it is like a wake-up call. You realize how much you take for granted. You realize that you COULD be so much worse, that life could be hard, that all of a sudden, feeling sorry for myself doesn't seem so harsh anymore.
The good thing is that maybe it is just a scare and maybe everything will be alright and maybe it's just something to make you over-react and find meaning again. Maybe this is all just to ground me again, to help me appreciate all the little things I used to...
but I am scared. I feel like a little kid and I feel so out of control and confused and I just want to cry and cry and cry some more....But I've grown up. And I cant cry any more. Even about this...
Glued Together
I wanted my blog title to be called 'Falling Together' today...but nothing really is falling together so I didn't see the point. So
glued together feels more like it. I feel like I'm going through the motions in everything I do. I go to work, do my job, I come home and it's like everyone I ever talk to I have the same meaningless conversations with...how was you day? work? college? blah blah blah!!!
It's been so long since I've been on the edge of my seat....about anything. I want to be amazed, I want to be enthralled, I want to be thrilled. I've had this weird taste in my mouth lately...at first I thought I was imagining it but it really is there. There's a term for when writer's reflect their feelings in the weather (e.g if they are in a bad mood it will be stormy weather, happy it will be sunny, etc.)...it's called
pathetic fallacy. I'm sure there's a term for my body coinciding with the way I am feeling...I just dont know it...
A few of my friends have been saying to me that I'm not myself lately. I miss me. I used to be cool :) I miss being fun and crazy and weird and...happy. ARGH!!!! I dont like feeling like this...feeling so..blah! I guess it is harder than I thought it would be to adjust to not being in college anymore. Why did I have to graudate, why????
I miss feeling alive.
Which is why I need to get away. I need to get away from the meaningless monday to friday, 9-5 day filled with meaningless hours of meaningless work. I need to get meaning back in my life...I need to feel passion again. For that reason I have realized how much I miss Brian, how much I miss studying Politics(haha I'm such a loser! I miss my International Relations classes!)
I miss having things that make me think. Things that make me feel. I'm such an emotional person, usually my two biggest problems are thinking too much and feeling too much...lately the only emotions I have are negative....so that needs to change. I guess life is teaching me two things. First of all I can never do a job I dont
LOVE. I cant be a person who is content with just getting paid at the end of the month. No way...I need something I am passionate about...something I would do even if it weren't for the money. I want to feel like I am doing
something good. I want to change the world, fix it, make it better. Handing the population of Ireland credit cards doesnt meet that criteria :)
Secondly, I need to find away to rekindle my inner flame. I haven't figured out what needs to be done there yet. It's not losing Brian because I was myself before I met him. It's not a problem with anyone else, it is a problem with myself which is even worse because I dont know how to fix it. But at least I know the real Rhona hasn't gone away forever...she's just confused and lost for a little while...
How can I be going through a quarter-life crisis? My care-free, laid-back, fun-loving, relax-and-life-will-be-ok attitude's been stripped from me in only 21 years?
I don't think so....not if I have anything to do with it...
Life is about random moments that make you think,
that make you remember,
that make you feel.
It's about those seconds, days, months, when you feel
alive,
when you forget about responsibilites,
duties, pain, yourself.
It's about being free.
It's about seeing the world differently.
It's about questioning,
about wondering,
about asking.
About trying to change:
yourself, and others,
it's about making the world,
these moments, better.
It's about finding those moments
when you smile like a child,
when you look at the world bright-eyed, full of awe.
It's those moments,
when you realize you're not
the only one who matters.
There's so much we dont know
So much we could know...
So here's to not forgetting
who you are
or who your friends are.
Here's to good times
great places
amazing people
unbelievable memories
never-ending inspiration,
and most importantly
here's to living...whatever way you choose to do it.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow. -The Shins
I was going to post all the lyrics to
Caring is Creepy by the Shins but I didnt want them all to overshadow this quote.
I have been gone for the past few days...I've still been here, but gone. I've been thinking. I haven't really figured anything out, I've just needed to be quiet, to be with myself. But today those words made me think....How much of my actual life do I spend thinking? How many hours have I sat around feeling sorry for myself? I am trying to analyze my life, trying to see where the happiness was lost. I am trying to figure out what happened to all those feelings...and my life is passing me by as I feel sorry for myself. These words just made me realize that I'm wasting my time wondering about what makes me happy. I dont know if that makes any sense to anyone else.
I think I have bigger problems than I want to let on. I used to be so happy, I used to love life, love myself. I dont hate it now, I just dont seem to care. It's been about two months now...probably a month after I came back after the summer I just slumped...and I haven't seemed to pick myself up...which is strange for me. I dont feel like
myself anymore. I have NEVER been depressed for so long...I am starting to think something might be wrong with me...but everytime I go to talk about it, everytime I want to mention it it's like I chicken out. I stop and think there's nothing wrong with me...I dont know if there isn't, or if I am just chickening out. I wrote about it in a blog already, but didnt publish it...I guess avoiding it...maybe this one wont get published....
Maybe life is just supposed to be this empty every once in a while?
