First Road Block
I have so much to do before I leave that I dont know how I'll get it all done...
I have to buy a ton of stuff, I have to sort out things with my job, my bank, my gym, my doctor, my future college, my previous college, there's a lot a lot a lot I have to do...
So today I started out trying to get 2 of the easiest things, yet most important done. I paid for my flights! I have them all sorted out which is at least one thing out of the way. Then I went into my bank to get a student loan out. They never thought to tell me about the 'fine print' till I came back later with my sister who was gonna be the guarantor. It turns out the guarantor has to be a home owner...which my sister is not. So that means I'll have to get my mom to be the guarantor...but she wont be back here till February 12th...the day BEFORE I leave. So I'm just aggravated that things always have to have problems or glitches or snags instead of just running smoothly....
Hehehe...I'm very anti-Bush, as is most of the world (and the U.S for that matter) :)
If You Were...
If you were my passport, where would you hide? I have no idea either...I'm normally pretty good at keeping track to things, I live in a world of organized chaos, but since I moved in with my bro and sis I dont know where half my stuff ends up. I'm sure it'll show up eventually...I just cant think of
where it could be...
Stress and Tension
Today I'm feeling stressed...
I was happy that I had an extra day off work and I would get to sit at home and sort out a lot of stuff I've been putting off, but it's just overwhelming me now. There's only about 6 weeks till I head off--and confronted with the excitment (or is it anxiety) of my trip I am also faced with a million and one things that have to happen first.
I've decided I think I want to go back to college and do my Masters next year. AND I've chosen somewhere to go--England (this coming from a patriotic Irish person!). I dont know why...I just have it in my head that England is where I want to go...I guess I want a change from Ireland, but dont want to go to the States and pay $50,000 for an education I could get for free. Anyway...what am I gonna study???
Journalism :) Ok, ok, so my blog isn't a good thing to judge me on, you're all probably laughing now, but I think it is something I seriously want to do. My on-line ramblings however will be kept a secret on my application because if any admissions officer read this they'd probably deny my rambling, ultra-sensitive teenage soul entrance...(wait a minute, I'm not a teenager anymore..where did that come from?) Anyway, so yeah, I am thinking journalism. The idea began growing in my head when I was in San Francisco with Andy and it's been knawing away up there ever since.
Since I wont be back till May I need to get applications sorted out before I leave...which means picking colleges, researching them, narrowing the search down, filling in applications, getting references, etc.
So my trip is now in the back of my mind...all planning and worrying will have to wait until I'm on a plane out of here. I'm working on picking uni's and seeing which ones are accredited and which colleges are the BEST---because *ONLY* the best is good enough for me :)
I somewhat feel relieved...no, it's more like I feel proud, that I have decided what I want; what
I want, not what other people want for me. Not what my friends are doing. So hopefully I wont have a mental break down just yet and I will be able to get this all sorted out...
Self Preservation
I dont know what I'm about to blog about, but I'm back...so I decided I had to blog about something...
I was watching ELF the other day and when Buddy was getting tucked into bed it made me think about how when you're a kid you would hop into bed and you lie there and you wait for your parents to come in and tuck you into bed...there is nothing more comforting than having them do that every night. But in saying that, I didn't actually like being tucked in. I loved the whole comfort of it, but the second I was tucked in nice and tight and my parents left my room I would jump up and undo all the 'tucking in' they had just done. I guess it was just the comfort and security I was seeking.
And in some ways, I haven't changed. I always wish I had a source of constant comfort and security, and aside from my family, I dont, but for some reason I feel like I
should. And maybe the reason why I just can't do serious relationships is because I'm afraid of being dependent on someone and then having the whole thing fall apart. I don't like the idea of depending on someone else unless I'm sure beyond doubt that I
can depend on them. If I am fine on my own I dont want to give that up, only to be left a few months later not being able to get my own sense of security and self-reliance back. In a way I think I've had so many close friendships over the years that have fallen apart and that's scared me...but I guess that'll happen when you're teenagers and your ties, as deep as they may be, are still fickle.
I think that's part of the reason that I've held on to Bri for so long as well. It was the first time, possibly ever, that I let my heart lead me. I struggled against our relationships for months and he eventually convinced me that I just had to let go of all my fears and doubts and just let it happen. I spent so much time thinking it through and telling myself that it wouldn't work and convincing myself that living 2 hours away would be too hard, we'd miss one another, we'd get jealous, we'd get paranoid....and eventually I just gave in and stopped making excuses and I let myself be vulnerable. And maybe the whole friendship thing is actually working out because I want to believe in
myself. I need to assure myself that when I finally did make myself vulnerable, I chose someone who
could be depended on.
It's all about self-preservation I guess. I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can make yourself believe
anything. You can make yourself happy, sad, hell you can convince yourself you're in love with someone who doesn't even exist! The mind is an *amazing* thing and is capable of more than we realize. And
my brain, mine's working hard at self-preservation. I manage to hide most of my emotions from the majority of people I know. This blog is the only place where I'm emotionally honest. Everywhere else I hide and I bury emotions and I pretend and act and I put on a strong face. A brave face. I dont know why. And sometimes it kills me that I cant just say what I feel to people but, that would involve being vulnerable, and that can't happen too easily with me.....
And I guess that's all I have to say. I'd love to have a great conclusion, an interesting point, but today there's nothing. Maybe the whole point is self preservation doesn't get you as far as I thought it could. Maybe, hiding yourself from everyone leaves you at nothing, it leaves you alone, searching for a point, for a reason, for an explanation...maybe all my rambling is exactly what it is...just rambling........
Driving home for Christmas
So tomorrow morning I am going 'home' for Christmas. Ok I'm going to my aunt's house for a couple days. In the last 4 year I have spent Christmas in 3 different places--at my real home in Honduras, in Coffs Harbour in Australia, and at the Murphy's where I was last year and where I will be tomorrow.
I can't really think of anything to blog about today...except that one of my friends at work got engaged last night. She's 21 as well but seems so much more...mature...than I do. I look at myself and I'm still a kid...I play jokes around the office and I hop around sucking attention out of everyone and I just feel so...YOUNG. There's so much I want to see in the world, so much I want to do. I see Emma and it's like she doesn't care about what is out there, who is out there...she doesn't mind sitting and working at a desk for the rest of her life, getting married, buying a house, having kids, settling down.
And I'm not judging her for wanting to settle down but I just don't understand it. I think I will always aspire to more. I don't know what I want to do with my life but I know I'll be successful at it because I can't just be normal, ordinary, regular. I need to excel. So the thoughts of being 21 and knowing everything that is ahead of you in life scares me...no, confuses me. I guess if I still stand in front of an aisle of shampoo and cant decide which brand to buy, how could I find a man I want to keep around for the next, like, 60 years! hahaha. That sums up my point very well :)
Anyway, so like I said, I'll be going away for Christmas, so I wont be blogging for a couple of days...till Monday maybe. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dangerous Ground?
So at work there's this guy I joke around with...we're friends but that is it..I wouldn't want to go any further. Lately we've been getting alone more and more and we're always sitting around talking to one another now instead of working....
A few days ago I kinda noticed how much we have been getting along...but like I said, it's only friendship for me. So today I was going to go to the shop across the street and he said he'd come with me. We then spent break together...we've never gone on break together, just the two of us....Then later on a bunch of us were going shopping during lunch hour because we're only about 10 minutes away from the city centre and we were talking and he kept like putting his arm around me and hugging me and I started to wonder if
he knew we were only friends.....
And I'm aware that a lot of things I do could seem like I was flirting...well, mainly because I
dounconcsiously flirt with everyone. I cant help it, I'm a naturally flirty person :) So I'm worried that maybe he doesnt notice me acting the same with all the other guys in the office...even the 50 year old managers :)
So I dont know what to do now. I like our friendship but there could
never be anything more....so how do I avoid it? I dont want to not be his friend, and I dont want him to get the wrong idea....and I
definitelydont want to come out and say 'look dude we're just friends, I dont want anything more' hahaha.
Christmas
It's Christmas time! This year I haven't really gotten that excited about Christmas...It just seemed to sneak up out of nowhere...And it just doesn't feel very Christmassey...The weather's been pretty normal, not really cold so it just doesn't feel like winter. As commercialized as it is, I still love Christmas. For me it's not about what I'm gonna open on Christmas day...I think I am too old for that. But it's about showing people how important they are. It's about seeing the joy in life.
These last few weeks at work have been *incredible*. Up until last week we had never been busier, and although we were working like crazy, and sometimes working 10 hours straight without lunch, it was still the most fun I have ever had in work. Everyone just seems to be in better moods, we all laugh, we all goof around, we all play practical jokes on one another (haha I am the one who started that trend in the office!) I like being reminded of the good in the world. I like when you get a million cards from a hundred different places, from people you've forgotten about. It's nice to be reminded that people care about you...Even if it's
only at Christmas time. I am looking forward to a few days off work over Christmas...But not because I'm sick of it. I realized today after work that I like my job. I like how I can make something so bland be full of laughter and fun...I like how we're so secure with one another that we can laugh at each other, and ourselves.
I guess everyone just seems to be
warmer during Christmas. Streets are lit up with decorations, apartment and house windows have Christmas trees and lights that flood a glow into the sky...It's nice. So that is what Christmas is about for me. Not presents, not even the birth of Christ (sorry...), it's about happiness. It's about showing people that you love, that you care, it's about feeling some indescribable warmth surging through you when you see someone laugh, someone smile, someone happy...Someone infected with Christmas spirit.
Merry Christmas :)
I HATE APPLE!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!
My fucking ipod is driving me MAD!!! I got an ipod photo when they came out....then 2 months later they come out with the video. great. if only they would have let me know then I would have waited 2 months and gotten my money's worth. I've had a couple problems with the screen freezing but it always fixes itself right before I decide to send it back...
NOW! NOW the little fucker is fucking with me again. I was having problems updating my photos so I took some advice and erased the photos on my ipod, then tried to re-load them onto it. Now it wont take ANY photos...so i have an ipod photo with no photos on it. Does that seem funny to anyone? It's not. I keep getting a fucking error message that is not explained anywhere in the manual, on the website, or anywhere else on the web...i am going crazy...I just want to throw the damn thing out the window. I want to send the damn thing back and demand that they send me a video ipod but knowing my luck with these apple dickheads they will send me back my original ipod which will probably get damaged in the mail...ahhh!!!
I would reset my ipod but I have over 1000 songs on it...important songs that I would have to download all over again because I delete them off my computer once they are on my 'trusty' ipod. just the thought of trying to download them all again...or of making a list of all the fucking songs before my current ipods 'last moments' are pissing me off. Ipod and Apple put me in a fucking bad mood! If they create a product they should at least provide support for it.
Fucking unknown error -48 is wrecking my head!!!!!!
Wanted: Babysitter
I DID IT! I booked my flights!!!!!!! Ok, well I put a deposit down, I have to pay in full my December 31st! But that is it, I made the decision!!! And now: do I feel good? Excited? Exhilirated? *Unbelievably* happy?
NO! I'm scared shitless. Since Saturday I meant to book them, but every day I would be on my way to the travel agent and I would literally chicken out and make excuses...like I had to do christmas shopping, or I would go home and call to book it instead of going, or I would walk in (yes, actually WALK IN)to the travel agents and decide there were too many people and I would come back the next day (there were only 3 people ahead of me...). I'm such a baby. Yesterday I put my foot down (with myself...I swear I'm like a grown up and a child all in one, I actually disciple myself! haha) and I went in and did it and put the deposit down....walking home I got scared and decided maybe I should just let them keep the non-refundable deposit. It didnt help that on my way there I met 2 friends and when I told them I was going the first thing they said was 'What about your job???' WHAT ABOUT IT!!!! I'll worry about a permanent job when I am old and boring :) hehe. I picked up a book on NZ yesterday and I didnt want to even look at it...I am afraid! haha!
It's like for so long its been an idea in my head, and an idea I was
serious about...but I guess the minute I had to properly commit to it I freaked out (keep in mind my blog title involved the word 'commitment-phobe' until a day ago...and nothing has changed since then!). I am freaking out just thinking about it. I know I am crazy. And I want to go but...I dont I dont I dont...but I do. I think I have split personalities--the Rhona with balls and the one without (thankfully they share physical traits....no balls!)
I want to hear that everything will be ok but I know
I am the one that has to tell myself that...what other people say wont help.
I want to be selfish and depend on someone. Anyone? Andy! Drop out of college a semester before graduating! WHY NOT! Brian could do the same. Mi--leave Korea and come travel with me! Kate-forget about your trip and come with me on mine. JW, wanna go back to Oz? Someone!!!
Anyone? I need someone to come babysit me on my trip!!!! Why do all my friends have to be finishing up college or starting work or doing
anything but what
I need???!??!?!?!?!?!
I NEED SOMEONE.
I really
really really hate to admit it but I am scared. And what's worst is nothing anyone can say can make me not feel scared. I guess everything I am facing is what I fear most in life. Like being alone. Not 'I dont have a boyfriend and I have to spend saturday night alone' but being completely completely 100% alone. No boyfriend. No friends. No family. No one. Having no one with me. It's bad enough feeling alone in a city you call home...what about in some place a million miles away where I dont even know where to go to sit and feel sorry for myself by indulging in my favorite coffee and carrot cake. Somewhere too far away to run home.
I've always thought of myself as being brave and adventorous and I usually do have that kind of 'bring it on' attitude...but maybe its only when I am faced with something truly in need of bravery, something truly adventurous, that I realize I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I've always had a conflicting sense of craving adventure vs loving familiarity...maybe I need one to feel safe enjoying the other. Maybe I can only be brave when I have the comfort of someone familiar with me. Maybe I only crave something new when I am enshrouded with familiarity.
Forget about 'splashing in puddles of sand'...I think I'm
drowning in puddles of sand...quickly. And I think it took writing this to actually admit to myself what I am scared of, and why I am scared of it. It's not necessarily that I am afraid of not having anyone to depend on...I am afraid of having to depend on myself (I see a difference between the two). ...
Like I said already, it's something I have to come to grips with in myself...so don't worry about leaving comments telling me I will be fine :) I wont believe you until I believe myself...
Interestingly enough (not really actually), one of the only things that can equal my phobia of commitment is my stubborness....so I'm going to go...whether I want to or not...even if it is just to prove to myself that I can survive on my own. Whether I can or not, I still haven't determined.....(but things aren't looking up...)
ANDY!!!!!!
This is Andy's special post...because she says I dont think of her! hahaha....
I got your package today :) I SCRABBLE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JEJEJE! You rock...and the only reason you didnt get a mention in the last post is cuz I check YOUR blog every day and you have gone missing!!!! I miss you spoon :( Hey you know what spoon is in Irish...sponog (pronounced spoooooon-owwwwwwwg!) hehe.
I miss you...oh yeah I said that already! I miss san fran...today I was telling someone about it...and I was looking at pics yesterday of our bed in the living room with the sponge-bob and hello kitty blankets...haha, if anyone saw the pics they wouldnt believe we're 21 and 23 and sleep with sponge bob and hello kitty! hehehe. I miss my sponge bob blanket!
ANYWAY! Say hi to everyone over there for me, and especially Lullards :) Tell her I miss her and Isa! and take pics of everyone, ok!??!?!?!?! OK!?!!?>!>!
OK!!!!!!!!! hehe.
No one spoons with me anymore...just me and my pillows. I spoon with pillows haha. that's sad! today I got an email that said 'sexual encounters are closer than you think'.....I almost double clicked on it. jeje. Rhona needs to get some :) Why cant someone give me
THAT for christmas :) It's something I *
WANT* AND something I *
NEED* jejejeje!
Now enough sitting around reading my bs! GO BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blog Title
I changed the title of my blog today....
the other night I got a really good idea for what to change it to, so I wrote it in my phone but didnt save the message, so of course the next day when I got up and started sending text messages it got erased. So sitting in front of a blank screen this is what I got...it might change again soon...who knows...
I have a few thoughts to sort out in my head and then I'll come back to blogging...by tomorrow probably (Mi I know you miss me! haha!)
Question of the day
I added a 'quote of the day' to my blog the other day...mainly because there was a George Bernard Shaw quote that I liked at the time and thought a daily quote would at very least be something of interest for anyone who checks out my blog every day :) So this is all for my
regulars:) hehe. For someone who is good at using computers I suck at figuring out blogs...it took me forever to find out how to put it where I wanted it :) But it's done now and I have no intentions of moving it! hehe.
ANYWAY I got sidetracked there...my point is today's quote. It's a quote from
Freidrich Nietzsche: There are no facts, only interpretations. I am trying to decide whether I agree with it or not. I do...but I don't. I'll think about it...
Studying politics in college we had to do a lot of philosophy...the likes of Plato, Aristotle, Machiavelli, Hobbes, Locke, Kant, Marx, Rousseau...and it taught me, to a certain degree, to question everything: authority, laws, beliefs, religions....but that leads to the question of is there ultimately
any truth? Religions all have different gods they pray to, and they believe in different ends to life. Laws that are so strict in some places are unimportant in others. Beliefs change from person to person, never mind countries or cultures. And as for governments, democracy is seen as 'the greatest good' in the West but it isn't the only answer...Communism works in Cuba (it had positives and negatives...but so does democracy)...and democracy isn't right for every country in the world...so is there
anything that the world can agree on? As an idealist I want to say yes but as I dwell on it.....I don't really know.
On a brighter note, I will leave you quickly with another Nietzsche quote:
In heaven all the interesting people are missing :)
Heard it all before?
Ok so remember a couple of posts ago when I ran through all my bad qualities...well I was reading
thisonline today and it scarily echoes my previous post.
It is not to say that the Cancerian is unsociable, just that for them there is a time to socialize and a time to be solitary, and this is part of the apparent contradiction in their nature. Outwardly they can appear formidable - thick-skinned, unemotional, uncompromising, obstinately tenacious, purposeful, energetic, shrewd, intuitive and wise, sometimes with a philosophical profundity of thought verging on inspiration. Their intimates, however, may see a very different character, one with a sympathetic and kindly sensitivity to other people, especially those they love. They are able to identify with the situations of others because of the keenness of their imaginations. They are often over-imaginative and prone to fantasy, sometimes trying to shape their lives to fit some romantic ideal. They are appreciative of art and literature, and especially of drama, where the spectacle and ebb and flow of action and feeling particularly excite them. They may themselves possess considerable literary, artistic or oratorical talent. Their sharp ears and talent for mimicry can sometimes give them success on the stage, though their tendency to be emotional may make them overact. Interestingly - because they give the impression of being down-to-earth - they are often fascinated by the occult and are more open to psychic influence than the average. If they can reconcile the personal conflict of their urge to be outgoing with the reserve that causes them to withdraw into themselves, then at best they can inspire a generation, especially the youthful part of it, by their idealism. A job in which they can express this, and in which they can do well, would be as a leader in a youth organization.I just commented on Mi's blog saying that I'm sceptical about horoscopes but sometimes they get everything so right that it makes me wonder...as for the part about being prone to psychic influence, I always thought weird things happened to me (like I dream situations and then they come true exactly as I saw them in my dream) but figured it was just strange...then I saw a psychic for the first time over the summer on a total whim and she told me the same thing...hmm...weird. Maybe it's not all made up...I dunno. Anyway, I just thought it was strange and I'd share what my sign says about me....
Traditional Cancer Traits:
Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
On the dark side....
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let goIt's strange to think that the things you think make you feel individual, different, misunderstood, sometimes simply not understood at all, unique, the things that make you
you are just there to fit you in to yet another
category.
Honduras
Lately I've been thinking about Honduras a lot. For those who dont know, first of all, Honduras is in Central America...south of Mexico, north of Costa Rica :) Secondly, that's where my dad's from and I lived for 10 years.
It's also where I learned a lot about the world...I did most of my growing up there so I learned about friendships, about betrayals, about beliefs, about about the differences between social classes.
I don't know if it's the fact that my mom works in development or that I grew up seeing poverty all around me, but it's a touchy subject with me. I've seen what it's like first-hand, and I've seen how much regular people can
help. But I meet a lot of people who don't agree with me...who think that charities dont help, who think that their money is not going to the causes it's supposed to, who think that poor people are just lazy, or they are poor by choice. And it's something really hard for me to listen to because I've seen people starving, people barefoot and in rags selling newspapers at traffic lights, people with nothing yet they smile like they have everything. And then I think about how I haven't even seen the worst places in the world. And I dont understand how people could
not want to help.
I suppose I need to realize that not everyone's seen what I've seen...and maybe poverty really is something you need to see to understand. Sometimes I'm really critical when I see 'poverty' in developed countries, like here in Ireland, because to a certain degree it is by choice. Here there are places you can go to sleep if you are homeless, places to get fed, there is social welfare that far too many people depend on.....and maybe because of all that people assume that the rest of the world is the same. I dont know.
It just gets me mad that people dont understand...but I guess that's not fair because there are a lot of things I dont know about...but it just drives me crazy when you try to talk to people and they dont
listen, they are stuck in their stupid arguments and they just wont stop for a second and at least
try to see a problem from another point of view. So maybe I'll just stop. It's not because I have been defeated, it's not because they are right...maybe some people you just cant talk to.
So if people dont want to
listen does that mean you should stay quiet?
The Long Trek
Today Brian and I were talking about my trip in February. I was talking about how it's something I want to do, something I need to do, but it still worries me. He then decided to compile a list of negative personality traits that will benefit me in the long run...or at least in the long trek away :) (My trip is now being referred to as
the long trek because when I turned what he was saying into my own words I decided I was perfect and didn't need to change anything...ever....he quickly sorted me out and told me changes have to be made in the long run, but not to change my negative qualities until after the trek!)
I decided I needed to blog about these negativities (new word?!) because I liked his point. *Note some of these traits are not always negative, but in my case, they can be!
I'm
determined, independent, controlling. All these in a bad way. If I hear something I dont like I fight it. If I get told to do something I dont want to do, I dont do it. I notice this in work sometimes and I have a big internal conflict because I hate swallowing my pride and doing what I am told to. I like to be in control. I like to get my way. On
the long trek they'll be good for me because well, I'm determined, independent, and I dont have to worry about controlling anyone but myself (sometimes it's harder controlling myself than controlling others!)
I hate Authority, rules, being told what to do.
So although I never saw it before, of course travelling on my own will be perfect. I can do whatever I want, I dont have to fight to get my way, it's all up to me. I dont need to run my plans by anyone or do stuff I dont want to do...
Next up:
I'm selfish, arrogant, I talk too much. (
Thanks Brian hehe.) It's true, I am :) AND EVERYONE knows it! But it goes back to the above qualities...it's all about me me me! But in a good way, I'm confident. I
know I'll make friends, I know I'll meet people, and at the same time, I like time to myself. I like to do what I want when I want. Best of both worlds travelling alone really.
And:
I'm unpredicatable and liable to go through a million mood swings a day, indecisive. Being indecisive allows for flexability. And if one minute I feel chatty and talkative, I can talk to strangers, if a few minutes later I want to be quiet and think, I can leave them and be on my own :) Travelling alone will ensure that my travel partner wont kill me --those were Brian's exact words :)
I'm stubborn, have to see things to believe them So if I'm alone, I can do things in my own time, judge whatever way I want, and make up my mind about a lot of things...
And Finally:
I play mind games. He never explained this one...he decided to play a mind game on me by letting me figure it out :) So I decided he meant a few things. A) I can quit playing mind games with him while I am gone and pick on someone else. hehe. B) I analyze things a lot...many long plane, train, and automobile trips will give me a lot of free time to think about everything. And the fact that there wont be anyone there I
have to talk to means I can do all the reflecting I want (it's sad that I look forward to that...isn't it?!?) C) I can think of more negative qualities and make myself they are really postives :)
I'm sure there are many many many more negative qualities that could be discussed...but this is just a starter. Wait till you get me talking about my postives :) hehehe.
While we're on the subject, feel free to mention any more of my negative traits....(e.g: bitch freely about me!)
Nizlopi
And so your love sits down next to you,
and her body is cold and her lips are blue,
and this is our feeling that she was always warm to you,
she the one you're always singing to.
Oh, wash away, wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of the wind blowing and,
say we'll be here always and,
this is all I'm hopin' for,
when she left she didn't close the door.
And you're a fool to wait,
for your lucky break,
ah, all that talkin' right,
without your hands on life and now,
oh yea they say he's high.
But it's time to move now,
come on and,
wash away wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of not knowing,
say we'll be here always and,
this is all I'm hopin' for,
when she left she didn't close the door.
Oh, and sister you were never this before,
oh your eyes are red,
and your hands are so sore,
and you and me once washed away the pain,
but now we're so long distance in,
so many callways.
wash away, wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of the wind blowing and,
say you'll be here always and,
this is all I'm hopin' for,
but it's what I'm waiting for.
And on any day like today I can say I,
wanna be in Galway I,
wanna be in '97 I,
wanna wash away,
all these things crowd at my door.
And I - wanna be in the river I,
wanna be in the sea.
Wash away, wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of the wind blowing and,
say we'll be here,
wash away, wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of the wind blowing and,
say we'll be here,
wash away, wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of the wind blowing and,
say we'll be here always,
wash away, wash away,
the sound of all these sad days,
the sound of the wind blowing and,
say we'll be here always.
Brian wrote these lyrics down in a letter for me while we were broken up...and I was listening to the song today and I just thought I would share it with everyone. Nizlopi are 2 Irish guys with guitars and they have been around for a couple of years but only recently are getting talked about. I like discovering music. So does Brian, so we're always sharing new discoveries with each other. I like to feel like I knew about a group before anyone else...sometimes when they get famous it's almost hard because I want to be selfish and think NO THEY ARE MINE! I HEARD THEM FIRST! But I am happy Nizlopi are getting famous over here....I like their music...Two guys, two guitars, amazing lyrics :) Download the song...It's nice. It's a good break up song. It's a good song to wallow in you misery to. It's a good song to reminisce to. It's just a good song! And another thing that is cool about them is that the name of their album is
Half These Songs Are About You....I like that :)
Hmm....to blog or not to blog? That is the question.....
Self-Inspiration!
I inspired myself today! (Now if that isn't true
BRILLIANCEthen I dont know what is!)
I was looking up an old post of mine trying to remember something when I came across a Dr. Seuss quote I posted a few months ago.
“If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good.”
I've been questioning a lot of things lately, where I am, what I want out of the next year or two, my travels, etc....Maybe it's just the kid in me that likes the rhyme, but Dr. Seuss put me worries to rest :)
Getting to the bottom of things
I've been posting about Brian a lot lately. There're 2 explanations to this:
1)It's
our time of year...it's when we met, when we became friends, when we fell in love, when everything was perfect :) So the season is reminding me of everything that happened last year...
2) I find Christmas to be a
lonely time of year. It's all about family and dear ones and I guess I feel like I am between families. This will be the 3rd Christmas I haven't been at home with my family so all those family Christmases feel like something of the past, of my childhood, and I still dont have (or plan on having any time soon!) a family of my own to start new family Christmases with. (Is christmases a word?!? I like it!) So it leaves me wishing a) to be able to go back to having my childhood Christmases or b) having new Christmases with my new family...the second option is obviously more viable unless anyone has a good time-travel tip to share with me. :)
But the whole not-being-together but still being best-of-friends sometimes makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I feel like I am using him. I'm the one that can't be in a relationship with him but at the same time I still go running to him any time I have a problem or a mental or emotional break down (which are frequent in case no one has noticed :) ). He's my crutch, the first person I turn to for EVERYTHING. And I know he doesn't have a problem with it because I dont have a problem doing the same for him...but today it left me with a pang of guilt. Today I felt like if I cant be in a position to give him everything he needs then I shouldn't suck everything I need out of him (poor choice of words...only for us dirty-minded!)
I was shopping today and feeling sick and stressed out and really grinch-y :) While i was in a crowded shop I realized it was a good thing I was on my own because no one else would have been able to stand me. No one else except, of course, Brian. He's got this way with me that when I want to sulk and be mad and be frustrated, he just knows what to do. Anyone else would ignore me or get mad or just leave me alone. He'd put his arm around me and ask me what was wrong and I'd mumble
nothing and he'd proceed to annoy me until I finally gave in and told him what was wrong with me, or what he had done wrong, or what was wrong with the world...and he'd stand there and listen to me bitch and complain and whine until I felt better :) He always knew how to make
my sun shine. He still knows. So when all I want to do is bitch and whine and complain and I
know he can make me feel better, I turn to him. But today I decided I wouldn't turn to him...so I'm writing an incredibly long post instead.
Coldplay's
Warning Sign freakishly started playing...I guess I'm just scared of hurting him any more than I already have. He's never been anything short of incredible to me and I dont want to be the girl that fucked him up.
And my phone's ringing....and it's Brian :) Maybe today he'll need to lean on me...
Sick and Tired (Literally)
Today I'm sick...caught somewhere between a flu that is leaving and some monstrous chest-infection that promises to keep me coughing up phlegm till way after Christmas.
And I'm tired...because I had to take my mom to the airport at 4:30 am this morning. When I got home I jumped into bed but couldnt sleep because of my coughing.
Which leads me to think I should see a doctor. I dont like doctors...first of all because they charge you 50 euro to walk in and tell you you sick..which you already knew. There's a whole lot of other reasons I wont get in to. But I dont like them. Since moving to Ireland I've had a million and one throat/chest infections. I just never got used to winter here.
This time last year I was up at Brians :) I had just recovered from Tonsilitis...and by after Christmas I had Bronchitis...or was it glandular fever? hmm...anyway.
It feels like only yesterday I was up in Belfast with Brian (Ok it was actually a week ago...but I mean last year) but I remember all the falling in love feelings that I haven't felt, well, since him. I used to be the biggest player EVER...every week I had a new guy, but now it's like I've changed so much...even now when I CAN be a player again, I no longer feel the need to be.
Anyway...this is just a boring post cuz I am waiting for some guy to come pick up a letter from my house before I can go out....and I have nothing else to do....
sorry for boring everyone!
The Countdown Begins!
42 Days till I jet off to the setting of the most unknown, mysterious, adventurous, exciting, scarey, independent, amazing trip of my life :)
Yet again I was inspired by one of Kate's old posts...Kate--don't want to copy you here but it got my so psyched I feel the need to share it with everyone! See what I'm talking about if you want to feel the exhiliration of
travelling from your desktop!
42 42 42!
Recklessly Living: *Sometimes*
Reading over my last post I realized something...wow, I have grown up :) I can pin-point exactly when I began to grow up: January 2004. When I got back from Australia actually :) It was the beginning of the end of Rhona's reckless life. It was then that I started questioning my morals, my beliefs and my choices. I dont know if I ever answered my questions, but I have changed a lot since then. For the next two years I encountered many 'firsts' that introduced me to the proverbial
real world. From sex to jobs to independent travels (no more Disney World with mom, dad and the siblings, real travelling!) to love, to...
me...everything I encountered somehow left a mark on who I will be for the rest of my life. The last two years have shaped me in ways like no other years have...or possibly I just wasn't as aware of the changes in me before. These last two years have taught me to think.
Maybe it's just been college, all the studying, the analyzing, the reading into
everything. When I started studying Spanish Poetry in first year our professors would read a sentence and be able to write a page of notes analyzing 5 words and I was soooooo lost :) I thought it was complete bullshit, I thought that they made it all up...I used to get so mad because I wouldn't understand how they can get a million and one meanings from 'My hands have become wrinkled.' In my still (ignorant...or at least
unenlightened) stage all I thought it meant were THE AUTHOR'S HANDS WERE WRINKLED!!!! And that was IT!!!!!!!!!
By final year I was as good a bullshitter as they were (ok so bullshitting's always been a talent of mine!). I guess they did teach me to analyze things. Maybe too much.
But as for Kate's comment on my last post, the 'make mistakes' and 'annoy people' I do that way too much :) Talk to any one that knows me. haha. I get in trouble at work because I get hyper and start messing around and I distract everyone haha. That happened today :) I decided I'd make my desk a winter wonderland by cutting out snow flakes and snow men. And I hung cut up paper like icicles around my desk :)
People that know me in my day-to-day life know me as being reckless and immature and as a pure messer. Other people, like my blog readers and my closer friends know there's a serious side to me...but rarely do the two sides mix around the same people. I guess I'm afraid of opening up, and being a messer and a shit-stirrer and wreaking havoc is my way of hiding my serious side even deeper. I'm like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde...with even more mood-swings :)
Today I wanted to write about how, for the second half of the day, everyone at work seemed to be against me....but I am in too good of a mood to think about it. I am just going think about better days to come in the future!!! (*TWO MONTHS TWO MONTHS TWO MONTHS!!!* That's my new chant!)
Love is Beautiful
This morning I woke up and I was searching the bed for Brian. I dont know why...I must have dreamt of him or something, but I expected him to be there and when I realized he wasnt there I had to cuddle with a pillow as I thought about him. This is a James Blunt song, called Goodbye my Lover. The first time I heard it I felt a connection, it brought a surge of memories and images to my head. This time last year we were experiencing so many new feelings, situations, moments with one another. It makes me miss him so much...but I know he's still there which is a big comfort.
This time last year I was falling in love with him...and sometimes I wonder how I can be more in love with him now than ever before, yet somehow feel alright with us not being together. It doesn't make sense to me. And people hear me talk about him and how much I love him and all the incredible feelings I have for him and how I can only say *AMAZING* things about him and they ask why I broke up with him, and if I regret it. But I dont. We needed it. We're 22 and 21 and too young to be at the stage that we were. We need to live, we need to learn about ourselves first. But everything he has done for me, all the miles we both clocked up visiting one another, all the moodiness he put up with, all the money we spent on phone credit,the drunken 'I miss you!' phone calls at 3am on a Thursday morning, all the classes we skipped to see eachother because we couldn't wait till Friday evening, the first time I was truly honest with him and told him I loved him, something I had dificulty accepting myself (commitment-phobe here), all the fun, the laughter, the days and days we spent alone in bed because we had each other and that was all we wanted. That was all we needed. But now all of a sudden I realize maybe I cant just
need him and only him. Maybe I need myself. Maybe I need to do things that
I need to do, not what we need to do. And the fact that he can accept that, that he can still talk to me and listen to all my drama and all my problems and be the first person I turn to, knowing that I can't be anything more than a friend to him right now, that makes him even more amazing to me.
Anyway, I guess I realized I blog about missing Brian but not about why...so this is a little proof that I cling to proving that love does exist (according to Rhona).
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Love Hurts
When I feel sad I listen to
Love Hurts. I like the Damien Rice version but I think a group called Nazareth sang it originally. I've never heard their version because Damien's is good enough for me, but it could be good. I dont necessarily always believe in what it is saying, but there's no better break up song :) It's perfect to keep you hating love :)
Love hurts, love scars, love wounds' and marks
Any heart not tough nor strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, oh love hurts
I'm young, I know, but even so
I know a thing or two - I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame it burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, oh love hurts
Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, oh love hurts
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, oh love hurts
oh, love hurts oh
Boxing above my weight
I heard this phrase once from a guy...he was told he was boxing above his weight by his friends, meaning he was chasing after someone way out of his leauge. I like the phrase. Sometimes in life I just feel like I'm boxing above my weight. I get into things and then I start to wonder what I was thinking...
I guess I'm getting nervous about booking my flights cuz I am starting to plan everything. I go from being incredibly excited to completely nervous in a matter of hours sometimes :)
But last night I realized something that made me happy. At first when I was considering going alone I was still always searching for someone who could come with me. Now I dont even give it a second thought. In fact, if someone called me up and wanted to come with me, I would have to give it a long hard think. So I am happy that I have found the strength within me to know I will be alright on my own. I guess I'm just nervous because it's such a big thing, something I've never done before. I've never been 'on the road' for over a month I guess...I've been AWAY for a long time but not without the comfort of my, or my friends, homes :) But I'll be ok...
On a brighter note, Rory who lives on the Gold Coast called me today :) It was great just to get a surprise random phone call, but her news was even better. She got us tickets to go see U2 in Brisbane :) We were supposed to go see their last tour in Washington D.C but we didnt get to, and it's a long, painful story, but we always felt we needed to go see them together since we missed out. So we have that to look forward to!
I am supposed to be at work today but I called in sick cuz I feel like I'm not even human anymore. All night I would sleep for 2 hours then wake up because I was either sweating or freezing, or both. So since I felt so sick I thought I would stay home, catch up on sleep and plan my trip...but I cant focus on anything. I'm still sleeping for 2 hours then getting up, then 2 hours later falling asleep. I am worse than a new born! haha. If only there were someone here to feed me when I scream. haha.
That's about all I have to say....I'm just put a sweater on...but I'm getting hot again :)
In Need of Affection
I'm sick today :( I am getting the flu I think...even though I think it was only about 2 weeks since I was last sick. My body is not made for the cold. This time last year I got bronchitis and tonsilitis three times in two months. So far this winter I have been ok...so far so good but who knows...I am feeling pretty shitty right now. So I need some love and affection...but I've got none! HAHA.
Other than that, I graduated yesterday!!! It was actually a really nice ceremony and we all went out afterwards so I had a good night :) I'll post pics of me in my cap and gown soon :) hehe. Went to a USIT, a student travel agents today but the girl i was talking to was just new and had no idea how to answer ANY of my questions, and I was feeling sick so I just decided I'd go back over the weekend and sort my flights and all out.
I'm feeling very indecisive at the moment....I did a TEFL (teach english as a foreign language) course a few months ago and I'm thinking I might spend some time in Asia teaching English...it's not something that ever really appealed to me, but for some reason it is now. So that's confusing me about my flights and everything...but I might just book them and once I am there if I decide I want to stay longer then I will. I'll see.....
Ruggers pt 1
I love rugby, and the men that go along with it. So I decided I owe my favorite Irish boys a tribute :) So as I wandered around the web today I found these (all courtesy of
inpho photography...I love you guys! Hire me hire me PLEASE!!!!) So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let me introduce to you my idols (and the main focus of my lust!)
Ohhh sexiness :) This is Ronan O'Gara. I am convinced one day we will be Ronan and Rhona O'Gara. If only...... :) Behind him is Brian O'Driscoll who's only the BEST player in the world (even the All Blacks have to admit it's the truth!) And if you look very closely Geordan Murphy and Simon Easterby are in the background...This is from the Lions tour in New Zealand over the summer. I chose this pic cuz it gets 4 of my main fantasies in one pic :) haha!
This is Shane Horgan. My love! Owner of one of the sexiest bodies on the Irish (and Leinster) teams. I love you Shane, I LOVE you!
And this is my latest object of affection. I discovered him one day watching a Munster match, and I fell in love. I found out today he's 27...a bit too old for me, but I'll make an exception for Jerry Flannery :) Ok so this may not be the best pic of him but I've seen his true potential :) And I LOVE his hair...that's what we'd call a 'rugby shag.' There's another type of rugby shag I wouldn't mind sharing with him. hehe.
Just a few more notes...NO I'm not a stalker. But possibly yes, a bit of a perv :) I'd also like to apologize to Geordan Murphy, who deserves a lot more credit and a bigger picture for being so sexy, I'll make room for you next time. Same goes for Gordon D'arcy. Donnacha, you have potential...let's see if you can impress me. And last but not least, he may not play for Ireland yet but my Brian O'Neill is pretty hot stuff I just dont have any pics of him in action on my computer (at least not on the rugby pitch, hahahah!)
Weekend Revival
This weekend did something amazing to my soul...I feel like I have been resuscitated. Friday night was my work Christmas party. It was something I wasn't sure I wanted to go to...most of the people I work with aren't people I'd generally be friends with out of work. But I decided I would go. I had such a fun night...during the day on Friday I decided I would make the most of it and I was in a really good mood and I took advantage of the night to talk to people I normally wouldn't talk to at work to just branch out a little. I ended up teaching two of my older male managers how to look 'cool' and how to act my age instead of theirs! I ended up home at 4:30 and I had to get up at 8 to take my sister to the airport! Then me and my mom went to Northern Ireland.
I saw Brian last night...first time since the last break up. We've been talking for over a month and we're totally comfortable talking to one another again so I finally got to see him. It was nice...very nice. I feel like we've grown so much, not just as friends....our friendship as a whole has evolved. The first time we decided we could still be friends after breaking up we were talking to one another 2 days after we broke up and we both still had feelings for one another and...it was like we never broke up at all really. After taking a few hard months away from one another, and then slowly regaining confidence in our friendship, I feel like we've never been closer. We know where we stand with one another finally. And I think we both finally understand that yes, maybe feelings are still there, but we know how to control them, we know we cant be toghether and we both finally can
honestly say we are ok with it.
Then there was today. I was at my Granny's house and this guy, David, came over. I fell in love :) Unfortunatley he's my second cousin, in his late 30s, and has a wife and 2 kids. But I still fell in love :) I didn't even remember who he was...I probably havent seen him in the last 8 years. But he came in and totally renewed my faith in so many things. First of all he was such a nice guy, just so...cool. He's totally a guy I would go for. But I think when I really melted was when he was holding his 3 month old baby girl. He was so in love with her, and I remember the look in his eyes when he was saying that seeing her smile at him first thing in the morning makes his day. The look in his eye and the way he held her made me so...jealous. I want that life. Not now, I'm too young, but definitely one day. To top it all off he plays rugby :) haha--of course he found his way into my heart! So here I am sitting in a room with an amazingly friendly, charming, good looking, rugby playing man, who is sitting telling me how much he adores his baby girl. He's my perfect man. He's manly, yet strong enough to be vulnerable. I was amazed.
I would have gone home with him if it weren't for a)the wife b)my mother and grand-mother who wouldn't have looked favourably on the incestous relationship I was willing to have with their cousin/nephew and c)the fact that he loved his life too much to want me! Haha! I did get his number though, because he told me to call him if I ever needed rugby tickets (I told him he'd regret it because come February I'll have him on speed-dial).
To be honest I'm afraid of marriage because I am afraid of what
could happen. You always hear about men cheating on their wives, about couples that fight like crazy, about realizing one day you have fallen out of love. I'm afraid of that. I only want one wedding. I want to marry the man of my dreams, and wake up every morning
knowing that I did. But being an idealist sometimes I come back to reality and I realize it wont be like that. People fight, there will be rough patches, life cant be great all the time. But today Dave and his family let me be an idealist again. I found out my perfect man is out there, he can be sensitive and manly and a rugby-player and perfect father and husband and every thing else I want him to be. Now I just have to find him :)
BEST JOKE EVER!!!
Ok
Mi has inspired me for the second time today! Go read her lame joke :)
Here's my favorite joke...I wish I could share it with EVERYBODY but some kids/adults I cant tell it to. hehehe...
One night little Mickey gets up after hearing some strange noises coming from his parents room. He walks in to their room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of his dad.
"Mom, what are you doing to dad?" Mickey says.
"Go back to bed Honey, I'm just bouncing on your dad's stomach to try to make it smaller"
"There's no point mom, every afternoon while you're at work Sarah from across the street comes over and blows it back up again"
Ahahahahahhahahaha!!!!!!! It's a classic joke :) Makes me laugh EVERY time! Jeje hope ya's liked it :)
Passions
Mi inspired me to write about something I love: writing.
For years English teachers have told me I should consider being a writer. I never paid any attention to them because, lets just say, they weren't Pulitzer prize winners themselves. But I've always loved writing. It's been one of those secret passions of mine.
Writing's always been really private for me, it's something that
is me and my own world and it's only
for me and my own world. I have so many things I've written, my hard-drive is exhausted pulling up old 500-page-long files that I've written over the years. I never really envisioned them becoming that long, I just started writing one day, and I couldn't stop. So I have a few things full of my hopes and fears and secrets and then again, things that are totally fictional. But will anyone ever read them? HELL NO! It's just a boundary that I cant let anyone ever cross.
That's why I dont know if I ever could be a novel writer...the thought of all your time, but more importantly your emotions, your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your
everything getting torn apart by an editor, by a critic, by a reader...it's horrific. It's hard for me to find a book I really like, I have high standards...maybe because I do believe I could do much better. I don't know....
I started writing for a website a few months ago to see if I actually
could write well enough. I thought I might write one or two pieces and that would be enough to prove how bad I was. But the opposite happened. My editor Emme has helped to guide me and shower me with amazing knowledge that has helped me grow as a writer, so that's good. I'm glad I faced my fear by
finally letting someone else read something I've written. And now I've got a few things for my writer's portfolio :)
I dont know what I'll be in the future...I could become a journalist, I might just write on the side, maybe the only things I'll write are World Bank and United Nation's reports clearing Third World Debt :) We'll see......
